random thoughts.

I never got used to a work schedule of 4-day by 11-hour work week since last year. I got this schedule again this week when I'm used to an 8pm-5am-weekends off. My boss told me that it was a dry run and if I liked it, I can keep the schedule, else I retain the old one. My house is located at the outskirts of the city, it would be a welcoming change to run errands by myself since most of the establishments open around 8am, I can have coffee with friends and eat crunchy waffles with warm maple syrup at the diner if I want. When Thursday comes by, I dont need to worry about work at all. I can do my personal affairs without the thought of work come nightfall. My room still needs a few stuff for redecoration. I've always had a knack for clean, clutter-free and bare, almost minimalist design in my room. If I had my way, I would have turned the whole house upside down and cleared it empty to a fault. I only have my table, TV and a bed, if my room was small, it would look like one of those rooms in prison. Only it had light green curtains, pastel colored-walls and crystal accessories. I have a closet full of brand-new clothes, shoes and bags that I intend to use soon. My mom hates that I use the things that worn snug over and over. And my room has a weird smell, meaning it smelled like candy, musk and cedarwood or perhaps, cherry wood. I've been trying for the longest time to make it smell..well, like clean soap. There's that doorknob that I have to have Kuya Marshan, the handyman, fix. My brother bought the hard to open knobs a few months ago, and opening my room had been a challenge since my grip is very soft even buttoning a shirt can prove difficult that's why my year-old niece, Amber can put me to crying shame if it were a contest. I've cut down mostly on my rice intake and most carbs since steroids can be a killer. I've lost weight and I got my glow back. My brother W told me that I cant lose focus and make this condition the center of attention if I wanna try to live normally. Eight months in this condition and I can work around it. I cant cure, however, being a light-sleeper. Getting 8 hours of sleep and beyond is impossible. Unless I'm intoxicated, which is a no-no, or if I cried nonstop, which hasn't been in awhile. I take short naps or rest if needed. I am still looking for a few things that's not in the city like Purefoods Luncheon Meat , Kraft String Cheese and Vanilla Pudding Snack Packs. I hope when I get to Manila I could find these in Landmark at Trinoma. When I crave for something really strong, I dont stop at anything. I wish I had the same knack for getting better. It's just a lot of getting used to. Maybe soon.

25 reasons why He's dear.

25. He laughs at my jokes, be it corny, weird or just plain silly

24. He shares the same love of food as I do. From going to a hole-in-the wall carinderia to buffets like Spiral at Sofitel

23. He's patient if I'm three hours late (and this happened twice) and never makes me apologize for it

22. He remembers my favorite things like pansit or unripe mango

21.He can make me laugh when I'm sad, upset or bored

20. He makes me stop crying by threatening to unzip his pants if I continue crying

19. He takes me by surprise by complimenting how I look every now and then

18. He listens to my advice

17. He doesn't pursue the girls I don't like

16. His mother is precious to me

15. He makes me appreciate how a girl looks

14. He smells like soap

13. I like Paul Smith on him

12. He can pull off a pink tee without looking nuts

11. He MADE me feel important

10. He can make me upset and happy in one minute

9. His hand is warmer than mine

8. He tells the nastiest, funniest jokes and he can impersonate anyone

7.His hugs fit mine to a T

6.He always speak his mind

5. He's an honest, simple guy. Child-like on the outside, a really wonderful man on the inside

4. He realizes things..only after a long time but nevertheless, compensates.

3.He taught me how to be subtle in everything

2.He gets soft when he's appreciated for the things he've done.

1.He's the best hope I've ever had...

How to Deal

So.. I finished remodelling my room. Really spacious with my big-ass tv, books, a really nice comfy new bed and with a big window that has view of the mountains. Priceless. I could order in, ask the househelp to buy me food from any restaurants, have them run errands if I want to and just stay still. ONLY. I dont like "still". I like where the stress and pressure dwell. I like that my mind race for answers and after that I love to do some more thinking and beating paperwork deadlines. If sleep wasn't a necessity, I'd be running around the place like crazy. I keep hearing my mom say to just relax and not do anything and I overheard her the other day requesting the househelp to never knock on my door if they needed something because I'd wake up with just a noise of a pin drop. Embarrassing as it may seem, my parents got me a cute,little bell that I could ring so if I needed anything, they and the whole house would wake up and be in my room in a second.My then busy life all washed out and replaced with where everybody expect me to be. Home. Resting. I tried yelling and screaming because i was upset that things are worsening by the week but that only took the wind out of me. in my condition, i cant talk too much,I cant smile, I cant even yell or be angry at anything or anyone, my body goes into immediate shock. How do you deal? Im still learning the ropes.

Hello, God..remember me?

People say, they are closer to God after miraculous things happen to them. Some, are naturally close to Him because they are born, raised and educated by spiritual faith that keeps their sanity everyday. No amount of prayer, praise song, helping people, spreading news about God is enough to them because these things truly make them happy and enriched in their lives.

Mine starts with a simple, conservative Catholic family, who prays every night, goes to Church, joins the community and keeps the faith. I’m a little different than the rest of my siblings. While they excel academically and do what my parents request, I excelled differently, I was street smart, I was always socially dependable in my circle. I have exceptional grades too. But I wasn’t one for content. I always knew there was more to discover in these fast-changing times .I was addicted to the flow of what the world offered. Too addicted, I was driven far from having a wonderful relationship with my family. I never shared my thoughts and inner hurts with them, I was always out with my friends and I came home in the wee hours of the morning, locked myself in my room and sleep all day, then wait til it was nightfall and do the same thing again.

Manila was my escape to everything. I only saw my parents when they paid a visit,and it was seldom that I called or text to ask how they were. It was one night, that changed and scarred me for life. It was during my birthday that I partied late night with my friends. I came home to find my family, waiting for many hours that day. They wished me a happy birthday then left after an hour for Baguio. I don’t remember when I stopped crying from then on. But I did remember packing my bags to join them after a week and resigning from my job.

Two years later, I am here, successful as I expect to be. Last November, I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, an auto-immune disorder that attacks the major nerve system. It has no known cure but treatment. As we make preparations for my major operation, I realized how mom and dad kept saying that I should talk to the Lord every night before I sleep and surrender everything to Him. I cried a few weeks ago, depressed and my brother sent me a text message saying: “Lei, God wants you to get to know Him again”. Every night, every chance I get or every time I sleep, I find comfort in talking to God. I tell Him all of the things I kept from Him and asked for forgiveness for all the wrong things I’ve done in my life. I tell Him my dreams, my plans, my fear, my hate, my hurt and humbled myself to accept me in His grace once again. I asked Him to heal me from my sickness and start anew with my life with Him in my life. Right now, me and God are still getting to know each other, He asks me if I wanted to stay with Him for good. I gave a resounding YES! And everyday He tells me that I don’t need a map to find Him. I opened my heart and I find Him there…

"Please eat slowly,"

Once or twice a week, me and my friends of fifteen years would get together over dinner, after cocktails, movie night or coffee. We’d dine over chicken biryani, papad and chicken barbecue mostly and add a few dishes to share and after that, play a few board games, billiards and the rest would curl up in a corner and smoke mint or apple-flavored shisha.

One particular night, I was tired from work and I sat there in the middle of one of our dinners, contented, listening to my friends’ stories about the travels they made, and how we were getting older and just gossiped about anything. I didn’t realize I was taking my time slicing my food in tiny pieces and chewing them carefully when I noticed everybody wiped their plates clean. I poked my baby potato and pushed it around the plate when I heard myself say a little bit loud, “Please eat slowly,” I looked up and everybody stared at me sympathetically. I gave an apologetic look pretending I was finished with dinner. But my friend Ayeesha loaded up my plate with some more biryani and everybody help themselves to a third serving of everything! They squeezed my hand and sliced their food in very small pieces then ate in slow motion. I laughed heartily and enjoyed every forkful of my food. Ryan saw me looking at a piece of chicken but I have decided not to eat it since I didn’t have the strength to slice through it. He smiled at me, took the chicken out of the basket and peeled it thinly onto my plate. Missy sourced out a straw for my glass, so I won’t have to tip the glass when I drank.

Like true friends, they knew what I was going through, them being in the medical field was an added bonus. I appreciate them even more for being understanding and patient for the ordeal I was going through. My friends have adjusted to this difficult situation of mine as my family have. They’ve learned that my condition is worsening every week, and it was a matter of time before I get bedridden and be so motionless. I told them that Thymectomy might put me in complete remission should I proceed with the operation, I expressed my frustrations and how scared I was. They listened about the things I have thoroughly researched on, and they nodded as-a-matter-of-factly. Explaining it to a group of people from the medical field was easy as explaining alphabet to a high school student. They support me on this journey and said that it would help me a great deal. If all goes well, and the operation is successful, we’d do what I love doing – food tripping, and makeup shopping!

I have amazing friends who were always there in my victories and defeat. They never left even during times I wanted to give up on everything, even myself. It will take more than rhyme and reason to figure out what friendship really means to a lot of people. It’s not the good times that true friends are measured by, it’s the bad and the ugly episodes that friends embrace the truth about each other.

that frickin' wake-up call!

I push myself to stress and unrest to a fault. I hate that my weekends would go to waste after the work week. After the picnic with my team,we ended everything by 1pm. Flashback 9am, Mama said to skip the picnic and get enough rest since I only had two hours of sleep. Secretly, I haven't told her that I had few stolen hours of sleep the night before and I've been double-dosing on my medication which is a no-no.

That afternoon, I was organizing events and that's when the weariness and my myasthenics had kicked in lightly, I set it aside and went on with my activities til 10pm. My brother came home that night watching TV on the other room, I made a beeline to the hallway and when I got back, my feet were glued to the floor! Like some heavy thing weighed it down. One more step, I knew I was gonna fall. I held tight to the hardwood dresser in front of me, and heat was creeping up my neck, my vision blurred almost instantly, I called my brother to get me a chair really quick,but just as he thought it was quick enough, BANG! My chin then my head hit the hardwood following a fall on my back. My brother dragged me to the side of the bed, worried, he was trying to lift me, but I told him we'd wait a few minutes before I could regain strength. And true enough, throwing caution to the wind, I pushed myself up the bed, with my brother pushing the rest of my weight in.

5am and I am widely awake, I heard water from the backyard, so I got up and switched it off, as I made my way to the front door, the most unfortunate thing happened again, my knees were weak and felt like Jell-O. Thankfully, my brother just woke up and wondered why there were lights turned on in the living room. He saw my worried look and ran to me, offering his back for a piggy back ride and slid me gently to the couch.

I guess..i have to give in to the doctor's specific requests, my body hates me now more than ever. I promise myself things will get better, and I'll start by NOT being stubborn.