25 reasons why He's dear.

25. He laughs at my jokes, be it corny, weird or just plain silly

24. He shares the same love of food as I do. From going to a hole-in-the wall carinderia to buffets like Spiral at Sofitel

23. He's patient if I'm three hours late (and this happened twice) and never makes me apologize for it

22. He remembers my favorite things like pansit or unripe mango

21.He can make me laugh when I'm sad, upset or bored

20. He makes me stop crying by threatening to unzip his pants if I continue crying

19. He takes me by surprise by complimenting how I look every now and then

18. He listens to my advice

17. He doesn't pursue the girls I don't like

16. His mother is precious to me

15. He makes me appreciate how a girl looks

14. He smells like soap

13. I like Paul Smith on him

12. He can pull off a pink tee without looking nuts

11. He MADE me feel important

10. He can make me upset and happy in one minute

9. His hand is warmer than mine

8. He tells the nastiest, funniest jokes and he can impersonate anyone

7.His hugs fit mine to a T

6.He always speak his mind

5. He's an honest, simple guy. Child-like on the outside, a really wonderful man on the inside

4. He realizes things..only after a long time but nevertheless, compensates.

3.He taught me how to be subtle in everything

2.He gets soft when he's appreciated for the things he've done.

1.He's the best hope I've ever had...

Hello, God..remember me?

People say, they are closer to God after miraculous things happen to them. Some, are naturally close to Him because they are born, raised and educated by spiritual faith that keeps their sanity everyday. No amount of prayer, praise song, helping people, spreading news about God is enough to them because these things truly make them happy and enriched in their lives.

Mine starts with a simple, conservative Catholic family, who prays every night, goes to Church, joins the community and keeps the faith. I’m a little different than the rest of my siblings. While they excel academically and do what my parents request, I excelled differently, I was street smart, I was always socially dependable in my circle. I have exceptional grades too. But I wasn’t one for content. I always knew there was more to discover in these fast-changing times .I was addicted to the flow of what the world offered. Too addicted, I was driven far from having a wonderful relationship with my family. I never shared my thoughts and inner hurts with them, I was always out with my friends and I came home in the wee hours of the morning, locked myself in my room and sleep all day, then wait til it was nightfall and do the same thing again.

Manila was my escape to everything. I only saw my parents when they paid a visit,and it was seldom that I called or text to ask how they were. It was one night, that changed and scarred me for life. It was during my birthday that I partied late night with my friends. I came home to find my family, waiting for many hours that day. They wished me a happy birthday then left after an hour for Baguio. I don’t remember when I stopped crying from then on. But I did remember packing my bags to join them after a week and resigning from my job.

Two years later, I am here, successful as I expect to be. Last November, I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, an auto-immune disorder that attacks the major nerve system. It has no known cure but treatment. As we make preparations for my major operation, I realized how mom and dad kept saying that I should talk to the Lord every night before I sleep and surrender everything to Him. I cried a few weeks ago, depressed and my brother sent me a text message saying: “Lei, God wants you to get to know Him again”. Every night, every chance I get or every time I sleep, I find comfort in talking to God. I tell Him all of the things I kept from Him and asked for forgiveness for all the wrong things I’ve done in my life. I tell Him my dreams, my plans, my fear, my hate, my hurt and humbled myself to accept me in His grace once again. I asked Him to heal me from my sickness and start anew with my life with Him in my life. Right now, me and God are still getting to know each other, He asks me if I wanted to stay with Him for good. I gave a resounding YES! And everyday He tells me that I don’t need a map to find Him. I opened my heart and I find Him there…

these dreams

Last night, I had one of the most peaceful dreams. It was short and fast,yet I was able tocapture the moment in slow motion. It was engulfed in a small peephole with orange hues like out of a tube from the 70s and all the characters involved played familiar and significant role in that roleplay. I had some friends who I grew apart with who smiled at me in unison, in a warm, welcoming way.
In a mirage..I saw a figure coming toward me slowly. It was hazy, like what a dream is supposed to be. The familiar scent of soap and smooth texture of crisp, white polo engulfed me in an embrace. He looked down at me and gave me a sincere smile.. Ben. We were okay again. He took my hand gently and we were running, and laughing endlessly at his jokes, we were playing a game, I don't remember what it was, I guess bowling. What I do remember is the laughter. His voice. He just kept hugging me, I hugged him back. I told him I'd be right back to get bowling shoes, he smiled and said he'll be waiting for me by the bench.
At one glance, he disappeared into thick smoke, my smile replaced with worry as I tried to find him everywhere. And in bold letters, I looked up and saw a computerized billboard that was used to display bowling scores. It was in small ticker tape that displayed a letter from him saying he needed to say goodbye.
That was the time I woke up and trying to understand to reason of it, if it mattered or not and if I still wanted a part of Ben in my life. My heart felt peaceful, that despite of what me and Ben went through, there's truth at the heart of it..that I am part of his life and him in mine..

A Painless kind of Pain

I don't know how starting the year right would matter. I used to be THAT optimistic to sway with a lot of people cheering on a hopeful new year. Late, late last year I've been diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis.

It started when my index finger started to go numb, then my right hand. I noticed that my eyes were droopy and I had double vision every time I lack sleep. It's that kind of pain where you're really drunk and your body turns to jelly, so helpless but minus the alcohol. When someone sneezes, I get sick right away and bedridden for a week. The worst is stress, if I get emotionally or mentally exhausted, my body repels it like kryptonite. It's a Princess' sickness my doctor would say. It doesn't have a cure, but it fades out in 2-3 years, if I'm lucky.

God said he never makes anything damaged, I believe in that and I pray more than ever about it. My first entry for 2011 is all about the hope in finding to cope. I will be strong and not be all weak in accepting this. I'm still alive and that's a lot to be thankful for :)

Jees...

"JEES! JEES!" my baby nephew Theo held out his pink little hands to the paper bag I brought for him. It was Saturday morning and I was tired from work. I brought a couple of pancakes, french fries and pineapple juice at a drive-thru and surprised my little man with breakfast together.

He sipped excitedly as the liquid reached his lips. "Jees! Jees!" he said repeatedly pointing to the juice cup in my hand. It was playtime and he gamely posed for pictures on my camera phone. He shook my arm gently to make the sign of the cross and I blinked twice to see if he just did what I thought he did. His hands slowly touched points of his shoulders crossing his chest and then I knew his was signalling us to pray before we eat.

How a little angel like him took me back to my faith or what's left of it. He reminded me, that, like him, I was once an angel, pure of thoughts and innocent of the world. I seemed to forget one thing--essential of my life and what I always believed in.

Theo tugged me to put ketchup on his fry and then held my face. It felt good being part of someone's life who thinks you're one of the best in his list and everything in between. I need to act that part by being a role model. A laughable wake-up call.

why INDIFFERENCE is such a big word to some.

Anong petsa na?!! That's the expression I would often hear from a lot of people nowadays when some would procrastinate on things. Life - as busy as it gets - got in the way of certain things. I miss blogging for one. Family time have been an absolute blessing for a few weeks straight and of course the surprises I get from financial gains year-end.
The holidays are always a time for realization and wake-up calls. Mine is a big slap in the face, in the recurring episodes of my male best friend of six years. He got really mad (in his words: "more of pissed") for me not attending our best friend's wedding. Ben was there, excited and all to see me walking down in the aisle as part of the entourage, but when he saw not even a shadow of me, he got alarmingly worried and texted something like: "help me understand why you're not here". The drama ends where he saw my wall posts partying hard here in Baguio when I could have been at the wedding partying with him. We made pre-plans of having dinner, talking and going out after but it never materialized.
After a year and a half of not seeing each other, he just stopped. Stoppped being patient and being apologetic of the little things he do if I get short-fused on him. He felt he had to step on the gas somewhat and not really caring what I would think even if I got hurt in the process. We tried to patch things up but his was a harsh reminder of what could have been when we saw each other. Four months from now, the reunion of good friends from a former company will conceptualize and I'm just as excited. But seeing Ben? We were once fond and affectionate of each other's friendship that I doubt if he would make it just because I stood up on him one too many times. He makes it feel all these efforts are not enough. But I dont want to try my luck on the cards table again. The risk is bigger this time. I'm not willing to make apiece of it. Unresolved. Back and forth. Egos got in the way. Indifference..
This issue I am willing to procrastinate on.

my first quarter review and then some.

THE FIRST QUARTER has come to pass in a blur. If I were to do a review of what I did for the first few months of the year, I would have to say “ an impatient road to recovery”, I have blogged a couple of times about my whiny days doing nothing but rest. And if I don’t help myself to get out of this putter, I will do the rest of 2009 with little interaction and a lot of reaction. I am responding well to treatments and medications which is a clear indication of a hopeful future.
Day by day, I am reconnecting with my faith, and slowly talking to the Lord about everything I do and feel. In silence, I listen to Him speak to me. He gave me this time as an opportunity to be able to get to know Him and his ways. My parents, Mama, most specially, remind me to pray and listen to His words. These were days where I meditate on the things done in the past and things I will be able to do soon. Some of us are scared of what the future will bring when we should feel really excited about what God’s plans are for us.
I realize that there will be people who will only like you for a certain time then disappear on you like they never knew you at all. Of course it made me upset in some ways, but that decision was not my choice to make. People we know grow apart with us, sometimes, when the future is too much or too little for them to handle, they tend to let go of your hand and would want to brave the future alone. Through the years, I learned not to be miserable about it, so instead, I pray that they may find the answers to their questions and live a good life to where the roads may take them.
The April month have started, I’ll try to live each day with purpose and appreciation as I have not given it much thought before. I am looking forward to the coming days that I will heal and that life will be better for me and those whose lives I will touch when I come home…