drained

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT IS. When I get really drained from thinking and from hurting, I shake so bad, it takes a couple of minutes before my breathing is in its steady pace. The last time I experienced this was working 16 hours straight without even pausing or taking a breather. The whole thing got me scared, my body shook like it would when you would laugh so hard from a funny joke.
This is the most emotional draining week i have ever gone through. 5 ex-boyfriends trying to win your affection and my current boyfriend who had officially turned into a has-been since last night. We were always fighting and he kept provoking me to get mad. But last night, I gave up, just like that. No begging. No pleading. Just a quiet "Yes, I wanna break up with you" and walked away. Of course I cried. I cried because of the release I felt from anger and from being very very weary of all the fights. And just this morning, he IM'ed me for some more war. But I breathed deeply, shut my messenger and erased all the messages he sent over the wee hours of the morning. So, I pulled the ring from my finger and kept it in my jewelry box, everything felt light after that.
I am tired,so tired of trying to be someone's spotlight,emotional punching bag and someone's free time. I just wanna space out. For myself and for the sake of sanity, I don't need them right now, not this time.

i'm not her

REMEMBER the girl who used to watch your basketball games, hold your water bottle, do your reports, listen to your girl problems, bring you food when you're hungry? Remember her and your endless whine about anything when she would just sigh and wait patiently for you to be in a happy mood? Remember when you would diss her everytime a new girl came along as if she never existed? She didn't really care that people shook their heads in disgust when they thought she was the one constant thing in your life. Remember her sitting in a corner, crying and then shake the sadness all away like nothing happened? All she wanted was for you to see that she was someone who deserves more than what you treated her for. That one someone who will embrace every flaw,who will love every line of your face, who memorized the 12 different smiles you can make and best of all, the one girl who can bring out what's left of you and turn you whole again. She finally gave up and ran away, hoping you could do it on your own.
And then...there you are, trying to find her, making ends meet just to see her again and see the possibilities if there really is something to make her stay.
But that girl, the one you used to take for granted, didn't want to come back. So, please know, don't mistake me for her. Because I'm not her...anymore...

to the boy who broke my heart.

To try to take four years of my life –- step back, examine it, condense it, try to make you understand how I felt, how much you and I were as one seems almost disrespectful. It reminds me of how a blind person would feel when someone tries to explain to them the concept of colors.It's out of your league. You will never know. But for the sake of everything, I will try.

Four years... you used to say. Yeah, four years. I keep telling myself that. At this point in my life, I would say, it was a waste (sans the bitterness). Instead of seeing myself grow maturely, I had let you grow selfishly, thinking YOU were the only person who mattered and not me. Our friendship had seen neither black nor white but always shades of gray. I will not go through the hard times we had, for it will only dampen what's left of us.
I will however, look back at what you made me today and what I will never be for you. I didn't know how alive I can be, that I am capable of knowing the best. I am still looking into forgiving myself on why I ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN instead of linger on what used to be. I left you because I didn't know who I was anymore. I gave and you took and you keep taking.

This toxic twisted thing between us is so over and this game is getting old. Deep in my heart, I know I will NOT come back to you, as I'm dealing with my own personal pains filtering what's worth fighting for. If we change for the better or for the worse, only time will tell. But I also believe that things will get better through time between the both of us.

Thank you for breaking my heart then, as I am breaking your heart now.
by this time, you got this all figured out.

Finally, it's balls on my court...