random thoughts.

I never got used to a work schedule of 4-day by 11-hour work week since last year. I got this schedule again this week when I'm used to an 8pm-5am-weekends off. My boss told me that it was a dry run and if I liked it, I can keep the schedule, else I retain the old one. My house is located at the outskirts of the city, it would be a welcoming change to run errands by myself since most of the establishments open around 8am, I can have coffee with friends and eat crunchy waffles with warm maple syrup at the diner if I want. When Thursday comes by, I dont need to worry about work at all. I can do my personal affairs without the thought of work come nightfall. My room still needs a few stuff for redecoration. I've always had a knack for clean, clutter-free and bare, almost minimalist design in my room. If I had my way, I would have turned the whole house upside down and cleared it empty to a fault. I only have my table, TV and a bed, if my room was small, it would look like one of those rooms in prison. Only it had light green curtains, pastel colored-walls and crystal accessories. I have a closet full of brand-new clothes, shoes and bags that I intend to use soon. My mom hates that I use the things that worn snug over and over. And my room has a weird smell, meaning it smelled like candy, musk and cedarwood or perhaps, cherry wood. I've been trying for the longest time to make it smell..well, like clean soap. There's that doorknob that I have to have Kuya Marshan, the handyman, fix. My brother bought the hard to open knobs a few months ago, and opening my room had been a challenge since my grip is very soft even buttoning a shirt can prove difficult that's why my year-old niece, Amber can put me to crying shame if it were a contest. I've cut down mostly on my rice intake and most carbs since steroids can be a killer. I've lost weight and I got my glow back. My brother W told me that I cant lose focus and make this condition the center of attention if I wanna try to live normally. Eight months in this condition and I can work around it. I cant cure, however, being a light-sleeper. Getting 8 hours of sleep and beyond is impossible. Unless I'm intoxicated, which is a no-no, or if I cried nonstop, which hasn't been in awhile. I take short naps or rest if needed. I am still looking for a few things that's not in the city like Purefoods Luncheon Meat , Kraft String Cheese and Vanilla Pudding Snack Packs. I hope when I get to Manila I could find these in Landmark at Trinoma. When I crave for something really strong, I dont stop at anything. I wish I had the same knack for getting better. It's just a lot of getting used to. Maybe soon.

25 reasons why He's dear.

25. He laughs at my jokes, be it corny, weird or just plain silly

24. He shares the same love of food as I do. From going to a hole-in-the wall carinderia to buffets like Spiral at Sofitel

23. He's patient if I'm three hours late (and this happened twice) and never makes me apologize for it

22. He remembers my favorite things like pansit or unripe mango

21.He can make me laugh when I'm sad, upset or bored

20. He makes me stop crying by threatening to unzip his pants if I continue crying

19. He takes me by surprise by complimenting how I look every now and then

18. He listens to my advice

17. He doesn't pursue the girls I don't like

16. His mother is precious to me

15. He makes me appreciate how a girl looks

14. He smells like soap

13. I like Paul Smith on him

12. He can pull off a pink tee without looking nuts

11. He MADE me feel important

10. He can make me upset and happy in one minute

9. His hand is warmer than mine

8. He tells the nastiest, funniest jokes and he can impersonate anyone

7.His hugs fit mine to a T

6.He always speak his mind

5. He's an honest, simple guy. Child-like on the outside, a really wonderful man on the inside

4. He realizes things..only after a long time but nevertheless, compensates.

3.He taught me how to be subtle in everything

2.He gets soft when he's appreciated for the things he've done.

1.He's the best hope I've ever had...

How to Deal

So.. I finished remodelling my room. Really spacious with my big-ass tv, books, a really nice comfy new bed and with a big window that has view of the mountains. Priceless. I could order in, ask the househelp to buy me food from any restaurants, have them run errands if I want to and just stay still. ONLY. I dont like "still". I like where the stress and pressure dwell. I like that my mind race for answers and after that I love to do some more thinking and beating paperwork deadlines. If sleep wasn't a necessity, I'd be running around the place like crazy. I keep hearing my mom say to just relax and not do anything and I overheard her the other day requesting the househelp to never knock on my door if they needed something because I'd wake up with just a noise of a pin drop. Embarrassing as it may seem, my parents got me a cute,little bell that I could ring so if I needed anything, they and the whole house would wake up and be in my room in a second.My then busy life all washed out and replaced with where everybody expect me to be. Home. Resting. I tried yelling and screaming because i was upset that things are worsening by the week but that only took the wind out of me. in my condition, i cant talk too much,I cant smile, I cant even yell or be angry at anything or anyone, my body goes into immediate shock. How do you deal? Im still learning the ropes.

Hello, God..remember me?

People say, they are closer to God after miraculous things happen to them. Some, are naturally close to Him because they are born, raised and educated by spiritual faith that keeps their sanity everyday. No amount of prayer, praise song, helping people, spreading news about God is enough to them because these things truly make them happy and enriched in their lives.

Mine starts with a simple, conservative Catholic family, who prays every night, goes to Church, joins the community and keeps the faith. I’m a little different than the rest of my siblings. While they excel academically and do what my parents request, I excelled differently, I was street smart, I was always socially dependable in my circle. I have exceptional grades too. But I wasn’t one for content. I always knew there was more to discover in these fast-changing times .I was addicted to the flow of what the world offered. Too addicted, I was driven far from having a wonderful relationship with my family. I never shared my thoughts and inner hurts with them, I was always out with my friends and I came home in the wee hours of the morning, locked myself in my room and sleep all day, then wait til it was nightfall and do the same thing again.

Manila was my escape to everything. I only saw my parents when they paid a visit,and it was seldom that I called or text to ask how they were. It was one night, that changed and scarred me for life. It was during my birthday that I partied late night with my friends. I came home to find my family, waiting for many hours that day. They wished me a happy birthday then left after an hour for Baguio. I don’t remember when I stopped crying from then on. But I did remember packing my bags to join them after a week and resigning from my job.

Two years later, I am here, successful as I expect to be. Last November, I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, an auto-immune disorder that attacks the major nerve system. It has no known cure but treatment. As we make preparations for my major operation, I realized how mom and dad kept saying that I should talk to the Lord every night before I sleep and surrender everything to Him. I cried a few weeks ago, depressed and my brother sent me a text message saying: “Lei, God wants you to get to know Him again”. Every night, every chance I get or every time I sleep, I find comfort in talking to God. I tell Him all of the things I kept from Him and asked for forgiveness for all the wrong things I’ve done in my life. I tell Him my dreams, my plans, my fear, my hate, my hurt and humbled myself to accept me in His grace once again. I asked Him to heal me from my sickness and start anew with my life with Him in my life. Right now, me and God are still getting to know each other, He asks me if I wanted to stay with Him for good. I gave a resounding YES! And everyday He tells me that I don’t need a map to find Him. I opened my heart and I find Him there…

"Please eat slowly,"

Once or twice a week, me and my friends of fifteen years would get together over dinner, after cocktails, movie night or coffee. We’d dine over chicken biryani, papad and chicken barbecue mostly and add a few dishes to share and after that, play a few board games, billiards and the rest would curl up in a corner and smoke mint or apple-flavored shisha.

One particular night, I was tired from work and I sat there in the middle of one of our dinners, contented, listening to my friends’ stories about the travels they made, and how we were getting older and just gossiped about anything. I didn’t realize I was taking my time slicing my food in tiny pieces and chewing them carefully when I noticed everybody wiped their plates clean. I poked my baby potato and pushed it around the plate when I heard myself say a little bit loud, “Please eat slowly,” I looked up and everybody stared at me sympathetically. I gave an apologetic look pretending I was finished with dinner. But my friend Ayeesha loaded up my plate with some more biryani and everybody help themselves to a third serving of everything! They squeezed my hand and sliced their food in very small pieces then ate in slow motion. I laughed heartily and enjoyed every forkful of my food. Ryan saw me looking at a piece of chicken but I have decided not to eat it since I didn’t have the strength to slice through it. He smiled at me, took the chicken out of the basket and peeled it thinly onto my plate. Missy sourced out a straw for my glass, so I won’t have to tip the glass when I drank.

Like true friends, they knew what I was going through, them being in the medical field was an added bonus. I appreciate them even more for being understanding and patient for the ordeal I was going through. My friends have adjusted to this difficult situation of mine as my family have. They’ve learned that my condition is worsening every week, and it was a matter of time before I get bedridden and be so motionless. I told them that Thymectomy might put me in complete remission should I proceed with the operation, I expressed my frustrations and how scared I was. They listened about the things I have thoroughly researched on, and they nodded as-a-matter-of-factly. Explaining it to a group of people from the medical field was easy as explaining alphabet to a high school student. They support me on this journey and said that it would help me a great deal. If all goes well, and the operation is successful, we’d do what I love doing – food tripping, and makeup shopping!

I have amazing friends who were always there in my victories and defeat. They never left even during times I wanted to give up on everything, even myself. It will take more than rhyme and reason to figure out what friendship really means to a lot of people. It’s not the good times that true friends are measured by, it’s the bad and the ugly episodes that friends embrace the truth about each other.

that frickin' wake-up call!

I push myself to stress and unrest to a fault. I hate that my weekends would go to waste after the work week. After the picnic with my team,we ended everything by 1pm. Flashback 9am, Mama said to skip the picnic and get enough rest since I only had two hours of sleep. Secretly, I haven't told her that I had few stolen hours of sleep the night before and I've been double-dosing on my medication which is a no-no.

That afternoon, I was organizing events and that's when the weariness and my myasthenics had kicked in lightly, I set it aside and went on with my activities til 10pm. My brother came home that night watching TV on the other room, I made a beeline to the hallway and when I got back, my feet were glued to the floor! Like some heavy thing weighed it down. One more step, I knew I was gonna fall. I held tight to the hardwood dresser in front of me, and heat was creeping up my neck, my vision blurred almost instantly, I called my brother to get me a chair really quick,but just as he thought it was quick enough, BANG! My chin then my head hit the hardwood following a fall on my back. My brother dragged me to the side of the bed, worried, he was trying to lift me, but I told him we'd wait a few minutes before I could regain strength. And true enough, throwing caution to the wind, I pushed myself up the bed, with my brother pushing the rest of my weight in.

5am and I am widely awake, I heard water from the backyard, so I got up and switched it off, as I made my way to the front door, the most unfortunate thing happened again, my knees were weak and felt like Jell-O. Thankfully, my brother just woke up and wondered why there were lights turned on in the living room. He saw my worried look and ran to me, offering his back for a piggy back ride and slid me gently to the couch.

I guess..i have to give in to the doctor's specific requests, my body hates me now more than ever. I promise myself things will get better, and I'll start by NOT being stubborn.

these dreams

Last night, I had one of the most peaceful dreams. It was short and fast,yet I was able tocapture the moment in slow motion. It was engulfed in a small peephole with orange hues like out of a tube from the 70s and all the characters involved played familiar and significant role in that roleplay. I had some friends who I grew apart with who smiled at me in unison, in a warm, welcoming way.
In a mirage..I saw a figure coming toward me slowly. It was hazy, like what a dream is supposed to be. The familiar scent of soap and smooth texture of crisp, white polo engulfed me in an embrace. He looked down at me and gave me a sincere smile.. Ben. We were okay again. He took my hand gently and we were running, and laughing endlessly at his jokes, we were playing a game, I don't remember what it was, I guess bowling. What I do remember is the laughter. His voice. He just kept hugging me, I hugged him back. I told him I'd be right back to get bowling shoes, he smiled and said he'll be waiting for me by the bench.
At one glance, he disappeared into thick smoke, my smile replaced with worry as I tried to find him everywhere. And in bold letters, I looked up and saw a computerized billboard that was used to display bowling scores. It was in small ticker tape that displayed a letter from him saying he needed to say goodbye.
That was the time I woke up and trying to understand to reason of it, if it mattered or not and if I still wanted a part of Ben in my life. My heart felt peaceful, that despite of what me and Ben went through, there's truth at the heart of it..that I am part of his life and him in mine..

for Mom and Dad

Dear Mama and Daddy,

I finally decided to take courage and write you a letter. Or at least blog one for you. But dont get your hopes up, as this will be the last of all the few ones I've written. I would rather show you all of the things I am,like the little girl you once knew, always malambing and making sure you have everything that you need from the moment you wake up, til the day you come home from work. I decided to write because...I feel my sickness is progressing. From the last three months that I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, the symptoms are coming in strongly and too fast for me to cope. I researched on all the materials I could find regarding this disease and I fear that all of it being said, I am a walking testament to it. Today, I am struggling to type this one letter and yet, I am in pain, I cannot read clearly anymore..

Let me start by saying I'M SORRY for being a rebel daughter. For making you cry and that made you think that you didn't raise me well compared to my brothers and sisters, but you did. You did raise me wonderfully as any parent could, it was my careless decision that lead me into trouble neck-deep but THANK YOU...for making the conscious effort to never give up on what I was going through as a teen, and as an adult. That even during those times surrender can be so calming, you have been embracing my flaws all at the same time, many many times over.

Mama, I love you. I love you for putting a happy face that everything will be okay after this. For bringing me closer to God ever since I can remember. You always say that God will never forsake us, I believe in that so much. I thank God for you,for being my angel. I am beautiful in God's grace because you and Dad made me feel that way.

Daddy, I'm scared. I'm scared to lose my eyesight, the feeling of inability to touch and the feeling of not waking up another day. I had recurring dreams of us, in the dark,musky part of the forest and I keep calling you but gently you would take my hand warmly into yours and with a big voice, you'd say " Nothing's going to harm you,sweetheart. I am here" You are my breath of fresh air, Daddy.

Someday, my body will give up and shut down without me knowing, I will be at loss for words, I will not be able do anything at all. But this is one for the bucket list. I will do my best to memorize every line,every frown, every happy little thing that makes joy all the craze for both of you..

I love you Mama and Daddy, I promise I will make you happy for all I can give and all the strength I can muster. I thank God that I met the best people in my life, you have been and will always be amazing. Don't ever be sad for me, no matter what happens, I will be okay, everything will be...

V-day

This year's Valentine date is one of the many valentines I had wanted to spend for so long. Not with eye candies or potential bf, but I had opt to spend it with friends. It had always been that way. Dates can be done all year round, but spending it with friends, those close to your heart, makes it more special.
My friends came home from out of the country and we were just so excited to see each other. Here’s the deep stuff that spells out what truly matters in life, like the gift of family and friends and good health and togetherness, blessings that are already there, but there are also a lot of all these light and little dreams that lounge lazily, happily, in the heart. They taught me how to laugh unapologetic even when the world seem not to agree with us. Back in the day, there was this constant need to always be together. Now, we welcome the time we spend apart because when we do come together there is so much more to share with each other. I am grateful for moments such as these

A Painless kind of Pain

I don't know how starting the year right would matter. I used to be THAT optimistic to sway with a lot of people cheering on a hopeful new year. Late, late last year I've been diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis.

It started when my index finger started to go numb, then my right hand. I noticed that my eyes were droopy and I had double vision every time I lack sleep. It's that kind of pain where you're really drunk and your body turns to jelly, so helpless but minus the alcohol. When someone sneezes, I get sick right away and bedridden for a week. The worst is stress, if I get emotionally or mentally exhausted, my body repels it like kryptonite. It's a Princess' sickness my doctor would say. It doesn't have a cure, but it fades out in 2-3 years, if I'm lucky.

God said he never makes anything damaged, I believe in that and I pray more than ever about it. My first entry for 2011 is all about the hope in finding to cope. I will be strong and not be all weak in accepting this. I'm still alive and that's a lot to be thankful for :)

my Kaydet Bear

THERE IS THIS FRAGILITY that seems to have washed over the world in my eyes, and all is just tender, fleeting, at first near but then so suddenly hazy and distant, somewhat lonely. ..

" You were just a dream that I once knew, I never thought I would be right for you. i just can't compare you with anything in this world. You're all I need to be here with Forevermore...I love you so much, baby,"

His whispers drowned that last of the TAPS for that night. The bugle sound signalling the end of the study period and all cadets were to return to their barracks, lights out. Every Friday he would sing me this song by Side A band. It was one of the many songs that we shared. That was eight years ago. His name was Nick (name withheld).
Nick came into my life as the perfect timing would dictate. I just came from a bad breakup, still healing and like a child in dark room, grasping for anything solid and promising that will lead me to a better place. And then there he was, in full white uniform carrying a blush pink of roses with easy smile and eyes excited to see me. He kissed me softly on the cheek and whispered loving things to my ear. I felt safe with Nick. We spent Christmas and New Year 2002 with his family. They have welcomed me so warmly into their home specially Tita. But we broke up less than a year. I never heard from him since then. But in 2003, he got married and settled. I cried a bit but I knew he was happy, we both were in our separate statuses.
Fast forward to this year, where we had kept contact with each other and have been friends, laughing like old times, giggling with silliness over our "obsession" with Popoy & Basha, a tagalog movie. One day, he gave me a call and we spoke hours over the phone talking about what happened with our past, we sealed the deal with forgiveness and closure and we were back to being really good friends again.
That fatal day, August 16, I was sitting having breakfast when the news came on TV announcing two missing pilots in a chopper crash in Zamboanga. I had this empty hole in my stomach. Like someone punched me in the gut so hard that I thought it would leave me lifeless. I sent him a text worriedly, praying that it wasn't the same chopper he was bragging about on his forthcoming flight that morning.
Facebook was the worst communication of this news for I have never been stressed out reading posts and comments of loved ones about him. And then.. August 19, my fears have been confirmed. Nick's tragic death. It tore me to pieces and crushed the very core of me. I couldn't breathe. It was too cold and too empty. I just spoke to him a few days ago, promising we would see each other when he flies his chopper to Baguio. I checked my phone, there he was, the series of messages, his registered phone calls and hearing his laugh echoing in my head.

Whenever there was something troubling or puzzling me, it was always easy for me to say “I will figure this all out, everything will all make sense," but my award-winning, death-defying optimism was thrown out of the window in just one nanosecond.

How do I deal with this pain? To have lost a really good friend whom I have loved so dearly. I stared long and hard at the box that was labeled "Nick". All the trinkets, jewelries, pictures, scrapbook-like things he had given was tucked away in a box. I am still afraid to open until now.Maybe someday, it will make sense to me, but i will mourn for the days to come for now.

I am still very much myself, just stronger maybe, and bolder when it comes to trying out new things. In the next breath I dare say I definitely have an even deeper appreciation of and for people and things, something I thought I already had so much of, but have even more of now.

There is this idea of forever that sits very comfortably with me, and I attach that to both people and things. I take good care of stuff I have so I can use and enjoy it forever, I take care of relationships because I want these people in my life with certainty, for a long, long time to come — yes, even forever. But the fact is, change is faithful and regular; not everything always fits in the little box I built for myself — people come and go; things get broken, get lost, are replaced with new ones. Goodbyes always wound us in some painful way.

I told my mom and dad, they said they understood the space I was coming from, but I have to be strong in prayers and much faith. After all, that courage could be found deep within my fears, not some place far away from it. I just had to bring it to the surface so it could lift me up. That brought me some measure of comfort and strength. I did not analyze the situation too much, I tried not to get ahead of myself; I only dealt with what was immediately before me and prayed even harder for the pain that crushes my heart with this tragic blow.

Nick, thank you for the little kaydet bear you gave me. It still looks at me warmly with coffee brown eyes just likes yours, I know now why it smiles silly and wears a soldier's uniform like you do. I will miss you in all things we have shared and been through. You taught me that life is so beautiful yet short. I am thankful and I am blessed that you have been mine, even for a short time..

a J-filled weekend

My super long overdue blog that's supposed to be published sometime March is now here. I guess I slack off too much with something (and maybe someone?) else. These three parts are dedicated to my best friend J.
13 February 2pm
Earlier that week, I've been having my own call center established,only with J as my caller because of the excitement he can't contain for his forthcoming trip. My sister Tea, on the other hand, have been requesting for me to cook spaghetti for her and her husband's birthday dinner.
I just finished taking the pot of sauce off the stove and packed it carefully together with the noodles. J kept calling every minute but I didn't bother picking up because I was busy preparing food and packing some overnight clothes. I gave instructions to the househelp to carefully load the sauce when the car arrives to pick it up. And I was off to a wonderful weekend with J...
3pm
I waved at J from the cab. It took forever to get to the bus terminal because of the Chinese New year parade. And there he was, in his tight fitting pants, sneakers, sunglasses and duffel bags. He craned his neck to see if it was me and he waved back excitedly flashing his million-dollar smile. He loaded the bags at the back of the vehicle and hurriedly ran to the car door where I was at, he hugged me warmly and handed me my favorite Krispy Kremes. We took Military Cut-Off road because it was the fastest route going to Starwood Hotel. I let J sink in the cold weather and I can tell, he was just too happy to be here, in the moment.
By the time we unloaded his bags and settled in his cozy room, we gathered our pocketbooks and key and left for late lunch at Sizzling Plate a few minutes after.
We had noodle soup, Iced tea,sizzling porkchops, java rice and their house specialty for dessert which was Sans rival.. He was a tiny bit disappointed because he liked buttery silvanas better than the wafer-like sweet that he finished in probably, a few seconds.
After lunch, we lazed around the hotel room as we were getting ready for SLU Glee Club's Valentine Day Concert that included my brother as a tenor.

6pm
The concert turned out to be spectacular! me and J loved it! Their playlist was well-planned and well-applauded. The mini orchestra, the theme of the concert and the audience participation all contributed to a great show. I am, to this day, beaming with pride for my brother W who was part of this stellar cast and allowed me and J to be a part of it. The show lasted two hours and we decided to head to CityLight for pre-dinner cocktails. We were in the middle of drinks, cheesesticks and fries when we suddenly felt sleepy, we realized we got off the graveyard shift the night before that and we were fast approaching twenty four hours without sleep. I looked at J, he was smiling wearily but for whatever strength was left of it, he really wanted to hangout at Nevada Square and check out the al fresco club scene. Me? I was just after a shawarma craving.

8pm and Freezing
A few beers, shawarmas and grilled streetfood later,I was ready to fold. it was unusually freezing out and I encouraged J to go bar hop a bit while I was contented looking at my cold beer forming beads of sweat at the side of the bottle. Then a sharp white pain down my back hit because of the cold, so that was a major signal that I had to call it a night. At least for myself. I called J to bid goodnight and told him to just enjoy himself and get to know the crowd with Shakey.
As much as I would like to crawl to bed and hide beneath the warm sheets, I smelled like beer and smoke and it's just disgusting that my strawberry-scented hair was mixed with the scent of nicotine. Ugh! I took a quick shower and nestled comfortably in bed, it was time to say goodnight to a fabulous Saturday (to be continued)

..then there was Valentines (2/3 parts)
I woke up sleepily with J smiling at me like sunshine. I grunted. I was definitely not a morning person. It would take a crane to lift the corners of my mouth to form a smile everytime I wake up.We got dressed after freshening up and settled for Breakfast at Tea House, one of my favorite restaurants in the city. He loved the Lechon Binagoongan, while I was struggling to finish the hefty serving of vegetables and fried chicken on my plate. I was just happy to be transferring half of those crunchy greens onto J's plate. For dessert, we settled for Chona's delight, it was a sweet taro version of the Missisippi Mud Pie classic, only this came in plastic bowls good for two or three.
I said our goodbyes that morning and told him we were having lunch at Central Park with my folks. This Valentines Day is a little more special than the previous Valentines that I have had. It'll be the first time that my parents would get to meet my best friend and share this day with them altogether. It was a brief lunch of Roasted Duck, Dumplings, Yang Chow Fried Rice, Chicken Feet,Sweet and Sour Lapu Lapu and Milk Tea. My parents were on their way to celebrate Valentines day together with their friends. Me and J waited for Anton, the driver because were touring Baguio. I was also excited because I really don't get to stop and see Baguio for what tourists sight-see for. I'm only a happy camper with the cold weather and nothing else. It was also a welcoming relief from the busy city to see the countryside.
2pm
So we went to La Trinidad to check the strawberry fields so J could enjoy his liesure time with strawberry-picking. I kept insisting that the strawberries the side vendors were selling were much bigger, ripe and juicy , but he was after the experience, so I let him take his sweet time, bask in the foggy atmosphere, with Anton acting as a photographer to document it. We took loads of strawberries home. The sweet scent wafted inside the car and my mouth watered almost intantly, so I took one out of J's take-out box and took a bite. Wow! Heaven!
The next stop was Mines View where Anton and J went to the viewdeck to take some pictures of some amazing view and Sebastian, a Saint Bernard pure bred, it was the resident dog that tourists take a photo-op of. I was hanging out lazily in the car waiting for them to finish when he appeared out of nowhere giddy, holding a japanese corn on a stick motioning me to take it. He hurriedly left to make a beeline on the stores lined up across the park that sold, almost hundreds of souvenirs made of silver, trinkets, sweaters, jars filled of sugary things and wooden toys. We passed by the Good Shepherd Convent to buy jars of sweet taro, and cookies so J could bring them to Manila. While waiting for Anton to bring the car around, we took pictures at their viewdeck, the air is amazing up the hill,time feels slow just hanging out and lazing around.
Our last stop was Camp John Hay I wanted to take J to Starbucks but along the way, he just wanted to take pictures near the tree cove, bushes, at the Butterfly Farm and anything he can lay his eyes on. I let him do whatever he wants on this trip, since it's his. And mine,of course.

We were tired from a long day so we took an afternoon nap at his hotel and as the night fell, we scrambled to Forest House. I was a little worried because we had no reservations and it was Valentines Day. But luckily, we got a table after a few minutes at the veranda. It was a little cold but we enjoyed the view of the mountains that was covered with thousands of lights from the little homes sprawled across the city. He ordered spareribs while i was in the mood for Hungarian sausage and fries. Our orders came but I was a little disappointed with my order. It was just a sausage placed on a plate. They forgot to put the fries on the side. J kept trying to hide his laughter but we did enjoy the night despite the mishaps. I took him back to the hotel but I noticed he was a little sad. Much as I wanted to be with him, I needed to spend the last minutes of Valentines with my family too. It was a conversation that he had with his significant other, M that ticked me. M just yelled at him for all the wrong things but unreasonable at that. I am just seeping with anger at M for doing that to my bestfriend. But given any circumstance, J was strong, too strong in fact, he could handle all of it.
The next day it was goodbye, we just bought some last minute stuff like raisin bread from the cottage near Country Club and he was off. I cried a little, because who knows when i'm gonna see him again. I hugged him tight wondering where our next adventure might be..

a lovely Father's Day weekend

This is one of my favorite days of the year where we remember what a wonderful dad we have. I'm one of the luckiest in this world to still have mine living under the same roof. I have spent the whole night planning what to cook for Sunday when Mom made some phone calls the next morning to Tea inviting their family to spend it with us. I'm as ecstatic as everybody because, this will be the first time I get to spend with my baby nephew and niece. I was kinda disappointed Dad didn't want Pancakes for breakfast, I reminded him that we had to eat something light since we'll be spending Father's Day Lunch at Tea and Joh's place, but he was just too happy to have a big freshly baked Tilapia and rice for breakfast. We went to hear Mass and I was almost always calculating in my head what my last minute grocery shopping details were gonna be. I was still thinking of what dessert should be served without the usual cake or ice cream in tow. Lunch at my sister's was sinfully superb! Her version of Nilagang Shortribs was simply the best! She kept looking at me, trying to see if she passed my standards, and it was the best shortribs stew I had in awhile. The sweetness of cabbage, freshly cracked peppercorns and soft potato quarters had married perfectly with the soup. I think I slurped it so deliciously that I passed on the chicharon and the Pata Tim that was ordered at a favorite restaurant. My brother-in-law served Vintage full bold red that afternoon, but I really didn't like wine, my mom insisted that I take a sip wherein I joke that I had the coolest mom ever. So I obliged, cringing quietly on my seat. We were all so full that dessert never crossed our minds. The rain poured heavily and we had to head out because I was past my deadline on preparing the menu. Hours later, I was still wrapping the egg rolls when my sister Tea and the rest of the family came, I got really panicky because our scheduled early dinner was fast approaching and I still had one food item prepared! Good thing, my sister dragged two of her househelps plus one on mine,and they were just as amazing to execute all the thing that I needed in a timely and prompt manner. We got every food on the menu spread at 7:10 pm. My sister was looking for the dessert surprise, so she sneaked in looking for it at the refrigerator, but to her delight, she saw two big rolls of ice cream cake nestled on the freezer which made her drool even more. i prepared coconut milk shake, my most expensive version of Pansit Bihon which my dad liked so much, baked soy ginger chicken, deep fried spring rolls and ice cream cakes. Everybody had a great time celebrating this day. And they took home doggie bags to enjoy some leftovers as well. Thinking of what event to plan next..;)

my favorite (COMFORT FOOD) finds

I KNOW AND I'M VERY CONFIDENT, that I have a fine-tuned palate. I enjoy good food and good conversations that come with it. But sometimes, it's always best to take a break from Beluga, Duck Confit, Amuse Busche and other luxurious food that's out there. Comfort food stands out usually during the happy and sad times that I I go through. You'd always like something delicious to depend on while pampering or soothing a hurt ego. So let me share my ultimate favorites with you...

• Nestle Ice Cream Double Dutch - this brand is hands down on creamy goodness, marbled with just the right touch of chocolate swirls, yummy chocolate slivers and chips, marshmallows and vanilla. I compared it with other brands and it didn't hold a candle to what the old-school Magnolia is famously known for.


• McDonalds French Fries - who would deny that this is the best fries ever made known to man? To me, at least. Those spuds could cure a heartbreak in a minute. I like it with salt or just happily dip it in my caramel sundae, brings happy highschool memories when all we lived on was allowances


• Tea House Palabok - I love noodles so much I could marry it! Palabok had been my ultimate comfort food. But I had worst one too many times til I stumbled on this. When this gets to the table, the noodles are covered with red-orange shrimp sauce rich with cooked oysters, pork, chicharon,tofu, pork, served with calamansi and patis on the side. Tea House never scrimps on ingredients so that's why it won my affection on my foodie list.


• Macsbox - a college favorite! Rice topping kiosk found at the U-belt and I'm thankful that it exist up to now. With P50, you geta bang-in-the-buck rice topping box exploding with flavors. One of my favorites would be their mouth-watering Binagoongan, big chunks of lean pork, little fat, chives, onion, shrimps topped with chopped unripe mangoes and scrambled egg mixed in bagoong sauce. The bagoong is heavenly, it has a combination of salt and sugar and it was mildly spiced.


• Orville Redenbacher Popcorn - in White Cheddar, butter or plain. For the plain popcorn, I nuke it and sprinkle M&Ms while it's hot and you'll be amazed how yummy this carnival food is.


• Taho - soymilk, tofu or any of its equivalent makes me happy. The gelatinous texture of it that shoots up on the mouth and melts like butter is heaven to me


• Taco Bell Churros - it is kinda greasy, because it's dough deep fried, but just pat it down with a paper towel or a table napkin and get ready to dunk it hot chocolate sauce!

This is part one. Once i'm camery ready, I'll post some pictures!

my Princess Hours

As I fluorished the last piece of Almond Roca that my sister Tea gave me that morning, I took the laptop by my window and checked to see what my friends have been up to for the past few days. My heart flutters for the people who starts to leave the country and start back at zero to a new place. Amazing, isn't it? There's fear and excitement at the same time. The kind of adrenaline rush some are just too afraid to try. I always wonder if life is passing me by so quickly. At the rate things are going, I might be the only one just taking my own sweet time at things. The opportunities just go like running water and I keep missing it everytime. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a freshly-picked grape sitting and waiting to be an age-old prune still hoping to be churned into a classic, expensive wine that everybody celebrates on. I read at one article that "opportunities only come once, so whatever feeling you have, set it aside and just show up," this one just knocked me over.

Being a creature of habit is really hard, getting out of my comfort zone is even harder. But I need to constantly remind myself that I can't live a charmed life all the time when I need to thread the hard experiences to be strong like the rest of my friends and people that I know. That's one of the reasons why I'm as fragile as glass and I could break any day now. I need to experience life outside of what I was used to. And that "used-to" place is not here, it's out there somewhere.
Eventually, I'll get tired of the people who give in to my whims, do what I asked them and like what I love, because I miss the girl who doesn't sit in one place too long. I'm just waiting for my adventure to start, with or without someone. Someday, I will ask myself if I'm ready to take a chance to start my life and take on the world again. For now, that will have to wait and still wear my pink crown, up here on a high horse...

The (so many) reasons why I love Daddy

• When I was little, we would drive down the beach on Sundays and swim all day then get pizzas for dinner, we would eat all the junk that we could find with mom shaking her head in disappointment, he would say, with a boyish grin: "Honey, don't worry. Tomorrow, they'll be back eating vegetables again, "
• He bought me pretzels instead of V-Cut when I was 7 because he thinks that spicy food will make my tummy react violently
• He shelled my first crab because my pink little fingers couldn't break the claw, and he neatly stacked it in my plate, forgetting to eat his own in the process
• He marched to the principal's office upset when he learned a boy my age bullied me and kissed my forehead saying everything will be okay from then on
• My dad made me sing and act in front of my cousins and uncles because he thinks I'm gifted
• He talks about me in front of his friends like I'm always the star of the show
• He got really sad when all of his four girls had received roses for the very first time
• He was ecstatic when my brother had his first date
• My dad spends lavishly on family celebrations because they were important milestones and acknowledging them this way was his way of saying he's proud
• Daddy is a true gentleman in all ways I can think of. I feel like a princess all the time!
• He comforted me on my first heartbreak
• He was there during my first final job interview and my first day at work and for the first three months of my job when I didn't know the where's and how'to's in the big city
• He did the same thing for all my brothers and sisters
• He would give out even his last money if I was short of cash
• He'd stay up all night just to listen to my stories and how proud he is of my acheievements
• He always reminded me that he sees himself in me: eager, determined and headstrong in my decisions
• he laughs at my jokes no matter how corny they are
• he laughs at my silliness and even if I get upset, he'll make me feel that I need to take things lightly most of the time
• He still makes me cry like a little girl when he says goodbye
• He always remind Mom to buy my favorite food every now and then
• He gently reminds me how dangerous a girl should be coming home at the wee hours of the morning
• He tells me how guys act and shares how they can be such jerks because he went through that phase too
• My Dad never fails to show how much he loves Mom
• He never forgets to tell me how important family will always be as a support system in any trials
• He gathers the family for our night prayers and other Holy obligations

The list goes on and on. My dad, like yours, is the best for me. He'll always be the one constant man in my life. He's the man who reminds to always focus on a love that's certain and true. Because of him, my childhood had been a very happy one, full of simple things inspite of all the material things that he can afford for all of us. My father taught me that life is too short to spend it on angst, frustrations and disappointment, he made me achieve for what I dont have and yet value what I have NOW. I am blessed to have him and to God, I will always be eternally grateful for the gift that is Dad...

the Reunion

I arrived in Manila at 4pm from the bus terminal, heat greeted me in a warm way. It had been a year since I last saw this place that I used to call home. I was scheduled to meet with Sher for cocktails after doing occular inspection at Astoria that night because of the reunion that will happen the night after. I was nervous and excited at the same time.
I sleepily dragged myself out of bed, my travel pill still kicked in almost strongly and then heavy rain started to pour. I begged Sher to move our appointment to a later hour because she was early but she wouldn't hear me out.
So half an hour later, I found myself with Sher and Cris (one of the super friends I consider) in a cab laughing about anything we could think of. Too bad Cris wasn't coming with us because she had work. We finally arrived at the Astoria, I fully paid for the suite and did an occular inspection. It was posh! I couldn't wait for tomorrow for everybody to get together. My heart was beating fast with excitement.
After the occular, me and Sher decided to hit Sbarro for my favorite pizza -- Chicago White ( a deep dish pizza with white cheese and white sauce on top), it was the bomb! So far, I am loving where I was at the moment. We decided to go for after-dinner drinks at Allan's grill at Marikina Shoe Expo, me and Sher frequented the place before. And we missed the place. My bestfriend J was calling non-stop and I feel bad, because he only had an hour of lunch and we were just nearby his office at that time but we opted to move to a different watering hole.
J was one of the reasons I went to Manila, I missed him so much. he's the male bestfriend that I could comfortably say "i love you" to, I guess because he is such an amazing person to begin with and we click in so many ways. He's a driving force in my life and I'd definitely want him to stay there.
Allan's Grill was filled that night but we managed to find a table. Sher ordered a few beers, and because of my medication, I had opt for a delish Sago Gulaman, we food-tripped on Tokwa't Baboy and Turon because it was their house specialties, and as expected, it did not disappoint.I had wish Cris and J were there at that very moment. At least I wouldn't have to hear Sher talk about her points of vew on politics and the on-going campaign brouhaha. We called it a night at around midnight. I was sleepy that I wanted to crawl on my way home.

Saturday morning. D- Day I woke up at 10am getting lots of messages and phone calls from friends regarding the reunion, I was just too lazy to even reply. WTH! That pill (name withheld) should have worn off by now! J had been calling to meet up for breakfast but I had so much to do that morning, preparing and packing my second luggage for the hotel. I secured my receipts, cash, my miniature video cam, makeup and clothes and stuffed it in a few minutes. I just hate to pack but you would be amazed on how organized I can be after getting through that phase.
Tina and I met at the lobby, the receptionist, was a little slow on finding my account, she didn't even know I paid for it, that we had to wait for half an hour to have housekeeping check the suite and get my reservation in place. She was embarrassed that she sent two complimentary iced teas to our table while she finished some last minute details on the account. While I was busy catching up with Tina. Ben called to check if the event was going to push through. My heart fluttered a little. I was the most excited person to see him. I guess I never really wanted to let other people know mainly because, I didn't want it to be a cocktail anecdote that night. heck, I couldn't even say it out loud. I just wanted to savor the moment and it was only for myself.
As we opened our suite, My mouth opened dropped open. The room was everything the website says! Polished brown walls, marbled floors. coffee tables, a circular glass dining table were arranged beautifully at the center of the living room. There was a kitchen near the doorway that was as big as the two bedrooms. Tina and two of our other friends Mitch, and Fatima, immediately helped me arranged the tables, pumped balloons and placed tea candles on some dark corners of the place. I sighed nervously. The party was going to be beautiful. At the last minute, there were two guests who had texted that they will not be able to make it. So I made a few phone calls to have a party-sized pancit delivered to the room. We finished in 30 minutes and by five o'clock, we were all lazing around the living room watching Kimora on TV. My right thumb hurt from texting a lot of people in just a minute. I've never had this kind of affair with my phone before. I just wanted to get it over with and have a long bubble bath before the party.
Because the place was hard to find for some and that they were on their way, I had a few minutes to enjoy a quick shower so I could get back on the phone. Whew! Anticipation is killing me!

8:05 pm Friends started to arrive with food. And for every person who would ring the doorbell, everybody shrieked excitedly. It was so fun. We played games but mostly we sat there, eating, laughing, taking pictures and talking about the past five years that had happened to us. I forgot to eat because every minute had been just so precious connecting with everyone. I guess I didn't wanna miss anything. And holding a videocam takes me away from the conversation but I know it would be worth it. Later, i gave the videocam to my friends so that they could take turns in taking some good clips and it served as a perfect excuse to go and mingle. i looked at the time, Ben wasn't there yet. And every minute that passed, a pound of nervousness replaced my excitement.
Finally, there he was, a long pregnant pause overwhelmed us both. I didn't wanna go so much into details but then it was a wonderful moment to be just there at that very second. Everybody cheered that we were united and I was really happy he was there. It felt..wonderful to be in his arms again. It was a defining moment, ha-ha! Anyway, the event was very successful, I may say. I gave myself a mental pat on the back. The party lasted until 7 am the following day and until now, they are still asking if there would be a repeat of the event..hmm.. can I think about it? :)

Jees...

"JEES! JEES!" my baby nephew Theo held out his pink little hands to the paper bag I brought for him. It was Saturday morning and I was tired from work. I brought a couple of pancakes, french fries and pineapple juice at a drive-thru and surprised my little man with breakfast together.

He sipped excitedly as the liquid reached his lips. "Jees! Jees!" he said repeatedly pointing to the juice cup in my hand. It was playtime and he gamely posed for pictures on my camera phone. He shook my arm gently to make the sign of the cross and I blinked twice to see if he just did what I thought he did. His hands slowly touched points of his shoulders crossing his chest and then I knew his was signalling us to pray before we eat.

How a little angel like him took me back to my faith or what's left of it. He reminded me, that, like him, I was once an angel, pure of thoughts and innocent of the world. I seemed to forget one thing--essential of my life and what I always believed in.

Theo tugged me to put ketchup on his fry and then held my face. It felt good being part of someone's life who thinks you're one of the best in his list and everything in between. I need to act that part by being a role model. A laughable wake-up call.

the anticipation of J

PERMISSION: J for borrowing your picture.

2008 had given me one of the most important people in my life --Jhonar.

J is the one of the best blessings the Lord had given me in two years. He is the one man who gave me so much to look forward to when I thought there was none. I had so many who claimed to be my best friend, but they were only after intrigues in my life, money and status. I guess everybody goes through all that, after they get burned on a proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back, a fresh start welcomes them anew.

To me, J is the light after the blackout, after the dozen of candles are lit, the house would look serene and almost romantic with the flickering candelight signalling the beauty of hope in my life. I relish the days of spontaneity, his laughter and his easy ways of making me laugh. Although I think he makes me laugh more. Everyday, I am just as amazed on how we would just talk hours on the phone, interrupting each other and never running out of things to say. How liberating to be with a person who lets you be, who sermons when you are wrong, who doesn't judge and listens when I am plain upset and dramatic about the world.

J has a heart of steel, predisposed to triumph to every situation but he is not necessarily spared the wounds that have afforded him the chance to do just that. There are not enought to words to weave the fabric of his life because to me, his stories are superhuman almost. He inspires me to be better because he grabs life by the horns and simply yet gracefully, lives it.

He is the rose, that no matter how beautiful, has its thorns. By listening to what his life had been, the sharpest recollections come with the most mundane of details, those seemingly insignificant things that, as it happens you think you will promptly forget. Time will eventually tell that you did not, will not, cannot. As such, the memory becomes more poignant, bruised even, and somewhat strangely, so much more to the one listening than the one narrating. J never had an attitude of great surrender, he still stood by strong against the will of a strong wind. He can stumble and fall but he will get up almost immediately, dust himself off then try again.

Whatever I deserved to have him in my life, I have anticipated and prayed for. Pray that you may find a best friend who is as loving, handsome and strong as J.

Kuya

I get excited to see family members who I've missed and have not seen personally for months! Mine was my brother Sid who came home from the holidays. Since my parents were drained out from running errands or what the day demanded, they retired early for bed and opted to just laze around the house. My brother W was hard to get out of the house as he just stays in bed, surfing the net and brains out his PSP.

We watched Shake, Rattle and Roll XI. He watched gamely with me since he knew I was fond of Ruffa Guiterrez lately. He kept laughing at the horror scenes while we pig out on waffles and barbecue-flavored fries. Then we headed to Kubo Grill in Legarda for dinner and dined in on Liempo, Barbecue and Bulalo, finishing off the night with French Vanilla coffees. I missed his opinions in life, his being persistent and who I would always remember as the most thoughtful person in our circle. He never failed to save my butt in my troubles and he taught me how to be as optimistic as I could ever be. Now his dream to be in Dubai this year is soon to unravel. I will miss him so. And the thought gets me teary-eyed. As I finished the last sip of my coffee I peeked into his room, he slowly hummed some old-school song while packing, he looked at me and made a funny face. I returned back my funny face too, thinking this was one of our own precious moments of the many we will have as we grow old..