my Kaydet Bear

THERE IS THIS FRAGILITY that seems to have washed over the world in my eyes, and all is just tender, fleeting, at first near but then so suddenly hazy and distant, somewhat lonely. ..

" You were just a dream that I once knew, I never thought I would be right for you. i just can't compare you with anything in this world. You're all I need to be here with Forevermore...I love you so much, baby,"

His whispers drowned that last of the TAPS for that night. The bugle sound signalling the end of the study period and all cadets were to return to their barracks, lights out. Every Friday he would sing me this song by Side A band. It was one of the many songs that we shared. That was eight years ago. His name was Nick (name withheld).
Nick came into my life as the perfect timing would dictate. I just came from a bad breakup, still healing and like a child in dark room, grasping for anything solid and promising that will lead me to a better place. And then there he was, in full white uniform carrying a blush pink of roses with easy smile and eyes excited to see me. He kissed me softly on the cheek and whispered loving things to my ear. I felt safe with Nick. We spent Christmas and New Year 2002 with his family. They have welcomed me so warmly into their home specially Tita. But we broke up less than a year. I never heard from him since then. But in 2003, he got married and settled. I cried a bit but I knew he was happy, we both were in our separate statuses.
Fast forward to this year, where we had kept contact with each other and have been friends, laughing like old times, giggling with silliness over our "obsession" with Popoy & Basha, a tagalog movie. One day, he gave me a call and we spoke hours over the phone talking about what happened with our past, we sealed the deal with forgiveness and closure and we were back to being really good friends again.
That fatal day, August 16, I was sitting having breakfast when the news came on TV announcing two missing pilots in a chopper crash in Zamboanga. I had this empty hole in my stomach. Like someone punched me in the gut so hard that I thought it would leave me lifeless. I sent him a text worriedly, praying that it wasn't the same chopper he was bragging about on his forthcoming flight that morning.
Facebook was the worst communication of this news for I have never been stressed out reading posts and comments of loved ones about him. And then.. August 19, my fears have been confirmed. Nick's tragic death. It tore me to pieces and crushed the very core of me. I couldn't breathe. It was too cold and too empty. I just spoke to him a few days ago, promising we would see each other when he flies his chopper to Baguio. I checked my phone, there he was, the series of messages, his registered phone calls and hearing his laugh echoing in my head.

Whenever there was something troubling or puzzling me, it was always easy for me to say “I will figure this all out, everything will all make sense," but my award-winning, death-defying optimism was thrown out of the window in just one nanosecond.

How do I deal with this pain? To have lost a really good friend whom I have loved so dearly. I stared long and hard at the box that was labeled "Nick". All the trinkets, jewelries, pictures, scrapbook-like things he had given was tucked away in a box. I am still afraid to open until now.Maybe someday, it will make sense to me, but i will mourn for the days to come for now.

I am still very much myself, just stronger maybe, and bolder when it comes to trying out new things. In the next breath I dare say I definitely have an even deeper appreciation of and for people and things, something I thought I already had so much of, but have even more of now.

There is this idea of forever that sits very comfortably with me, and I attach that to both people and things. I take good care of stuff I have so I can use and enjoy it forever, I take care of relationships because I want these people in my life with certainty, for a long, long time to come — yes, even forever. But the fact is, change is faithful and regular; not everything always fits in the little box I built for myself — people come and go; things get broken, get lost, are replaced with new ones. Goodbyes always wound us in some painful way.

I told my mom and dad, they said they understood the space I was coming from, but I have to be strong in prayers and much faith. After all, that courage could be found deep within my fears, not some place far away from it. I just had to bring it to the surface so it could lift me up. That brought me some measure of comfort and strength. I did not analyze the situation too much, I tried not to get ahead of myself; I only dealt with what was immediately before me and prayed even harder for the pain that crushes my heart with this tragic blow.

Nick, thank you for the little kaydet bear you gave me. It still looks at me warmly with coffee brown eyes just likes yours, I know now why it smiles silly and wears a soldier's uniform like you do. I will miss you in all things we have shared and been through. You taught me that life is so beautiful yet short. I am thankful and I am blessed that you have been mine, even for a short time..