Hello, God..remember me?

People say, they are closer to God after miraculous things happen to them. Some, are naturally close to Him because they are born, raised and educated by spiritual faith that keeps their sanity everyday. No amount of prayer, praise song, helping people, spreading news about God is enough to them because these things truly make them happy and enriched in their lives.

Mine starts with a simple, conservative Catholic family, who prays every night, goes to Church, joins the community and keeps the faith. I’m a little different than the rest of my siblings. While they excel academically and do what my parents request, I excelled differently, I was street smart, I was always socially dependable in my circle. I have exceptional grades too. But I wasn’t one for content. I always knew there was more to discover in these fast-changing times .I was addicted to the flow of what the world offered. Too addicted, I was driven far from having a wonderful relationship with my family. I never shared my thoughts and inner hurts with them, I was always out with my friends and I came home in the wee hours of the morning, locked myself in my room and sleep all day, then wait til it was nightfall and do the same thing again.

Manila was my escape to everything. I only saw my parents when they paid a visit,and it was seldom that I called or text to ask how they were. It was one night, that changed and scarred me for life. It was during my birthday that I partied late night with my friends. I came home to find my family, waiting for many hours that day. They wished me a happy birthday then left after an hour for Baguio. I don’t remember when I stopped crying from then on. But I did remember packing my bags to join them after a week and resigning from my job.

Two years later, I am here, successful as I expect to be. Last November, I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, an auto-immune disorder that attacks the major nerve system. It has no known cure but treatment. As we make preparations for my major operation, I realized how mom and dad kept saying that I should talk to the Lord every night before I sleep and surrender everything to Him. I cried a few weeks ago, depressed and my brother sent me a text message saying: “Lei, God wants you to get to know Him again”. Every night, every chance I get or every time I sleep, I find comfort in talking to God. I tell Him all of the things I kept from Him and asked for forgiveness for all the wrong things I’ve done in my life. I tell Him my dreams, my plans, my fear, my hate, my hurt and humbled myself to accept me in His grace once again. I asked Him to heal me from my sickness and start anew with my life with Him in my life. Right now, me and God are still getting to know each other, He asks me if I wanted to stay with Him for good. I gave a resounding YES! And everyday He tells me that I don’t need a map to find Him. I opened my heart and I find Him there…

"Please eat slowly,"

Once or twice a week, me and my friends of fifteen years would get together over dinner, after cocktails, movie night or coffee. We’d dine over chicken biryani, papad and chicken barbecue mostly and add a few dishes to share and after that, play a few board games, billiards and the rest would curl up in a corner and smoke mint or apple-flavored shisha.

One particular night, I was tired from work and I sat there in the middle of one of our dinners, contented, listening to my friends’ stories about the travels they made, and how we were getting older and just gossiped about anything. I didn’t realize I was taking my time slicing my food in tiny pieces and chewing them carefully when I noticed everybody wiped their plates clean. I poked my baby potato and pushed it around the plate when I heard myself say a little bit loud, “Please eat slowly,” I looked up and everybody stared at me sympathetically. I gave an apologetic look pretending I was finished with dinner. But my friend Ayeesha loaded up my plate with some more biryani and everybody help themselves to a third serving of everything! They squeezed my hand and sliced their food in very small pieces then ate in slow motion. I laughed heartily and enjoyed every forkful of my food. Ryan saw me looking at a piece of chicken but I have decided not to eat it since I didn’t have the strength to slice through it. He smiled at me, took the chicken out of the basket and peeled it thinly onto my plate. Missy sourced out a straw for my glass, so I won’t have to tip the glass when I drank.

Like true friends, they knew what I was going through, them being in the medical field was an added bonus. I appreciate them even more for being understanding and patient for the ordeal I was going through. My friends have adjusted to this difficult situation of mine as my family have. They’ve learned that my condition is worsening every week, and it was a matter of time before I get bedridden and be so motionless. I told them that Thymectomy might put me in complete remission should I proceed with the operation, I expressed my frustrations and how scared I was. They listened about the things I have thoroughly researched on, and they nodded as-a-matter-of-factly. Explaining it to a group of people from the medical field was easy as explaining alphabet to a high school student. They support me on this journey and said that it would help me a great deal. If all goes well, and the operation is successful, we’d do what I love doing – food tripping, and makeup shopping!

I have amazing friends who were always there in my victories and defeat. They never left even during times I wanted to give up on everything, even myself. It will take more than rhyme and reason to figure out what friendship really means to a lot of people. It’s not the good times that true friends are measured by, it’s the bad and the ugly episodes that friends embrace the truth about each other.

that frickin' wake-up call!

I push myself to stress and unrest to a fault. I hate that my weekends would go to waste after the work week. After the picnic with my team,we ended everything by 1pm. Flashback 9am, Mama said to skip the picnic and get enough rest since I only had two hours of sleep. Secretly, I haven't told her that I had few stolen hours of sleep the night before and I've been double-dosing on my medication which is a no-no.

That afternoon, I was organizing events and that's when the weariness and my myasthenics had kicked in lightly, I set it aside and went on with my activities til 10pm. My brother came home that night watching TV on the other room, I made a beeline to the hallway and when I got back, my feet were glued to the floor! Like some heavy thing weighed it down. One more step, I knew I was gonna fall. I held tight to the hardwood dresser in front of me, and heat was creeping up my neck, my vision blurred almost instantly, I called my brother to get me a chair really quick,but just as he thought it was quick enough, BANG! My chin then my head hit the hardwood following a fall on my back. My brother dragged me to the side of the bed, worried, he was trying to lift me, but I told him we'd wait a few minutes before I could regain strength. And true enough, throwing caution to the wind, I pushed myself up the bed, with my brother pushing the rest of my weight in.

5am and I am widely awake, I heard water from the backyard, so I got up and switched it off, as I made my way to the front door, the most unfortunate thing happened again, my knees were weak and felt like Jell-O. Thankfully, my brother just woke up and wondered why there were lights turned on in the living room. He saw my worried look and ran to me, offering his back for a piggy back ride and slid me gently to the couch.

I guess..i have to give in to the doctor's specific requests, my body hates me now more than ever. I promise myself things will get better, and I'll start by NOT being stubborn.

these dreams

Last night, I had one of the most peaceful dreams. It was short and fast,yet I was able tocapture the moment in slow motion. It was engulfed in a small peephole with orange hues like out of a tube from the 70s and all the characters involved played familiar and significant role in that roleplay. I had some friends who I grew apart with who smiled at me in unison, in a warm, welcoming way.
In a mirage..I saw a figure coming toward me slowly. It was hazy, like what a dream is supposed to be. The familiar scent of soap and smooth texture of crisp, white polo engulfed me in an embrace. He looked down at me and gave me a sincere smile.. Ben. We were okay again. He took my hand gently and we were running, and laughing endlessly at his jokes, we were playing a game, I don't remember what it was, I guess bowling. What I do remember is the laughter. His voice. He just kept hugging me, I hugged him back. I told him I'd be right back to get bowling shoes, he smiled and said he'll be waiting for me by the bench.
At one glance, he disappeared into thick smoke, my smile replaced with worry as I tried to find him everywhere. And in bold letters, I looked up and saw a computerized billboard that was used to display bowling scores. It was in small ticker tape that displayed a letter from him saying he needed to say goodbye.
That was the time I woke up and trying to understand to reason of it, if it mattered or not and if I still wanted a part of Ben in my life. My heart felt peaceful, that despite of what me and Ben went through, there's truth at the heart of it..that I am part of his life and him in mine..