random thoughts.

I never got used to a work schedule of 4-day by 11-hour work week since last year. I got this schedule again this week when I'm used to an 8pm-5am-weekends off. My boss told me that it was a dry run and if I liked it, I can keep the schedule, else I retain the old one. My house is located at the outskirts of the city, it would be a welcoming change to run errands by myself since most of the establishments open around 8am, I can have coffee with friends and eat crunchy waffles with warm maple syrup at the diner if I want. When Thursday comes by, I dont need to worry about work at all. I can do my personal affairs without the thought of work come nightfall. My room still needs a few stuff for redecoration. I've always had a knack for clean, clutter-free and bare, almost minimalist design in my room. If I had my way, I would have turned the whole house upside down and cleared it empty to a fault. I only have my table, TV and a bed, if my room was small, it would look like one of those rooms in prison. Only it had light green curtains, pastel colored-walls and crystal accessories. I have a closet full of brand-new clothes, shoes and bags that I intend to use soon. My mom hates that I use the things that worn snug over and over. And my room has a weird smell, meaning it smelled like candy, musk and cedarwood or perhaps, cherry wood. I've been trying for the longest time to make it smell..well, like clean soap. There's that doorknob that I have to have Kuya Marshan, the handyman, fix. My brother bought the hard to open knobs a few months ago, and opening my room had been a challenge since my grip is very soft even buttoning a shirt can prove difficult that's why my year-old niece, Amber can put me to crying shame if it were a contest. I've cut down mostly on my rice intake and most carbs since steroids can be a killer. I've lost weight and I got my glow back. My brother W told me that I cant lose focus and make this condition the center of attention if I wanna try to live normally. Eight months in this condition and I can work around it. I cant cure, however, being a light-sleeper. Getting 8 hours of sleep and beyond is impossible. Unless I'm intoxicated, which is a no-no, or if I cried nonstop, which hasn't been in awhile. I take short naps or rest if needed. I am still looking for a few things that's not in the city like Purefoods Luncheon Meat , Kraft String Cheese and Vanilla Pudding Snack Packs. I hope when I get to Manila I could find these in Landmark at Trinoma. When I crave for something really strong, I dont stop at anything. I wish I had the same knack for getting better. It's just a lot of getting used to. Maybe soon.

25 reasons why He's dear.

25. He laughs at my jokes, be it corny, weird or just plain silly

24. He shares the same love of food as I do. From going to a hole-in-the wall carinderia to buffets like Spiral at Sofitel

23. He's patient if I'm three hours late (and this happened twice) and never makes me apologize for it

22. He remembers my favorite things like pansit or unripe mango

21.He can make me laugh when I'm sad, upset or bored

20. He makes me stop crying by threatening to unzip his pants if I continue crying

19. He takes me by surprise by complimenting how I look every now and then

18. He listens to my advice

17. He doesn't pursue the girls I don't like

16. His mother is precious to me

15. He makes me appreciate how a girl looks

14. He smells like soap

13. I like Paul Smith on him

12. He can pull off a pink tee without looking nuts

11. He MADE me feel important

10. He can make me upset and happy in one minute

9. His hand is warmer than mine

8. He tells the nastiest, funniest jokes and he can impersonate anyone

7.His hugs fit mine to a T

6.He always speak his mind

5. He's an honest, simple guy. Child-like on the outside, a really wonderful man on the inside

4. He realizes things..only after a long time but nevertheless, compensates.

3.He taught me how to be subtle in everything

2.He gets soft when he's appreciated for the things he've done.

1.He's the best hope I've ever had...

How to Deal

So.. I finished remodelling my room. Really spacious with my big-ass tv, books, a really nice comfy new bed and with a big window that has view of the mountains. Priceless. I could order in, ask the househelp to buy me food from any restaurants, have them run errands if I want to and just stay still. ONLY. I dont like "still". I like where the stress and pressure dwell. I like that my mind race for answers and after that I love to do some more thinking and beating paperwork deadlines. If sleep wasn't a necessity, I'd be running around the place like crazy. I keep hearing my mom say to just relax and not do anything and I overheard her the other day requesting the househelp to never knock on my door if they needed something because I'd wake up with just a noise of a pin drop. Embarrassing as it may seem, my parents got me a cute,little bell that I could ring so if I needed anything, they and the whole house would wake up and be in my room in a second.My then busy life all washed out and replaced with where everybody expect me to be. Home. Resting. I tried yelling and screaming because i was upset that things are worsening by the week but that only took the wind out of me. in my condition, i cant talk too much,I cant smile, I cant even yell or be angry at anything or anyone, my body goes into immediate shock. How do you deal? Im still learning the ropes.

Hello, God..remember me?

People say, they are closer to God after miraculous things happen to them. Some, are naturally close to Him because they are born, raised and educated by spiritual faith that keeps their sanity everyday. No amount of prayer, praise song, helping people, spreading news about God is enough to them because these things truly make them happy and enriched in their lives.

Mine starts with a simple, conservative Catholic family, who prays every night, goes to Church, joins the community and keeps the faith. I’m a little different than the rest of my siblings. While they excel academically and do what my parents request, I excelled differently, I was street smart, I was always socially dependable in my circle. I have exceptional grades too. But I wasn’t one for content. I always knew there was more to discover in these fast-changing times .I was addicted to the flow of what the world offered. Too addicted, I was driven far from having a wonderful relationship with my family. I never shared my thoughts and inner hurts with them, I was always out with my friends and I came home in the wee hours of the morning, locked myself in my room and sleep all day, then wait til it was nightfall and do the same thing again.

Manila was my escape to everything. I only saw my parents when they paid a visit,and it was seldom that I called or text to ask how they were. It was one night, that changed and scarred me for life. It was during my birthday that I partied late night with my friends. I came home to find my family, waiting for many hours that day. They wished me a happy birthday then left after an hour for Baguio. I don’t remember when I stopped crying from then on. But I did remember packing my bags to join them after a week and resigning from my job.

Two years later, I am here, successful as I expect to be. Last November, I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, an auto-immune disorder that attacks the major nerve system. It has no known cure but treatment. As we make preparations for my major operation, I realized how mom and dad kept saying that I should talk to the Lord every night before I sleep and surrender everything to Him. I cried a few weeks ago, depressed and my brother sent me a text message saying: “Lei, God wants you to get to know Him again”. Every night, every chance I get or every time I sleep, I find comfort in talking to God. I tell Him all of the things I kept from Him and asked for forgiveness for all the wrong things I’ve done in my life. I tell Him my dreams, my plans, my fear, my hate, my hurt and humbled myself to accept me in His grace once again. I asked Him to heal me from my sickness and start anew with my life with Him in my life. Right now, me and God are still getting to know each other, He asks me if I wanted to stay with Him for good. I gave a resounding YES! And everyday He tells me that I don’t need a map to find Him. I opened my heart and I find Him there…

"Please eat slowly,"

Once or twice a week, me and my friends of fifteen years would get together over dinner, after cocktails, movie night or coffee. We’d dine over chicken biryani, papad and chicken barbecue mostly and add a few dishes to share and after that, play a few board games, billiards and the rest would curl up in a corner and smoke mint or apple-flavored shisha.

One particular night, I was tired from work and I sat there in the middle of one of our dinners, contented, listening to my friends’ stories about the travels they made, and how we were getting older and just gossiped about anything. I didn’t realize I was taking my time slicing my food in tiny pieces and chewing them carefully when I noticed everybody wiped their plates clean. I poked my baby potato and pushed it around the plate when I heard myself say a little bit loud, “Please eat slowly,” I looked up and everybody stared at me sympathetically. I gave an apologetic look pretending I was finished with dinner. But my friend Ayeesha loaded up my plate with some more biryani and everybody help themselves to a third serving of everything! They squeezed my hand and sliced their food in very small pieces then ate in slow motion. I laughed heartily and enjoyed every forkful of my food. Ryan saw me looking at a piece of chicken but I have decided not to eat it since I didn’t have the strength to slice through it. He smiled at me, took the chicken out of the basket and peeled it thinly onto my plate. Missy sourced out a straw for my glass, so I won’t have to tip the glass when I drank.

Like true friends, they knew what I was going through, them being in the medical field was an added bonus. I appreciate them even more for being understanding and patient for the ordeal I was going through. My friends have adjusted to this difficult situation of mine as my family have. They’ve learned that my condition is worsening every week, and it was a matter of time before I get bedridden and be so motionless. I told them that Thymectomy might put me in complete remission should I proceed with the operation, I expressed my frustrations and how scared I was. They listened about the things I have thoroughly researched on, and they nodded as-a-matter-of-factly. Explaining it to a group of people from the medical field was easy as explaining alphabet to a high school student. They support me on this journey and said that it would help me a great deal. If all goes well, and the operation is successful, we’d do what I love doing – food tripping, and makeup shopping!

I have amazing friends who were always there in my victories and defeat. They never left even during times I wanted to give up on everything, even myself. It will take more than rhyme and reason to figure out what friendship really means to a lot of people. It’s not the good times that true friends are measured by, it’s the bad and the ugly episodes that friends embrace the truth about each other.

that frickin' wake-up call!

I push myself to stress and unrest to a fault. I hate that my weekends would go to waste after the work week. After the picnic with my team,we ended everything by 1pm. Flashback 9am, Mama said to skip the picnic and get enough rest since I only had two hours of sleep. Secretly, I haven't told her that I had few stolen hours of sleep the night before and I've been double-dosing on my medication which is a no-no.

That afternoon, I was organizing events and that's when the weariness and my myasthenics had kicked in lightly, I set it aside and went on with my activities til 10pm. My brother came home that night watching TV on the other room, I made a beeline to the hallway and when I got back, my feet were glued to the floor! Like some heavy thing weighed it down. One more step, I knew I was gonna fall. I held tight to the hardwood dresser in front of me, and heat was creeping up my neck, my vision blurred almost instantly, I called my brother to get me a chair really quick,but just as he thought it was quick enough, BANG! My chin then my head hit the hardwood following a fall on my back. My brother dragged me to the side of the bed, worried, he was trying to lift me, but I told him we'd wait a few minutes before I could regain strength. And true enough, throwing caution to the wind, I pushed myself up the bed, with my brother pushing the rest of my weight in.

5am and I am widely awake, I heard water from the backyard, so I got up and switched it off, as I made my way to the front door, the most unfortunate thing happened again, my knees were weak and felt like Jell-O. Thankfully, my brother just woke up and wondered why there were lights turned on in the living room. He saw my worried look and ran to me, offering his back for a piggy back ride and slid me gently to the couch.

I guess..i have to give in to the doctor's specific requests, my body hates me now more than ever. I promise myself things will get better, and I'll start by NOT being stubborn.

these dreams

Last night, I had one of the most peaceful dreams. It was short and fast,yet I was able tocapture the moment in slow motion. It was engulfed in a small peephole with orange hues like out of a tube from the 70s and all the characters involved played familiar and significant role in that roleplay. I had some friends who I grew apart with who smiled at me in unison, in a warm, welcoming way.
In a mirage..I saw a figure coming toward me slowly. It was hazy, like what a dream is supposed to be. The familiar scent of soap and smooth texture of crisp, white polo engulfed me in an embrace. He looked down at me and gave me a sincere smile.. Ben. We were okay again. He took my hand gently and we were running, and laughing endlessly at his jokes, we were playing a game, I don't remember what it was, I guess bowling. What I do remember is the laughter. His voice. He just kept hugging me, I hugged him back. I told him I'd be right back to get bowling shoes, he smiled and said he'll be waiting for me by the bench.
At one glance, he disappeared into thick smoke, my smile replaced with worry as I tried to find him everywhere. And in bold letters, I looked up and saw a computerized billboard that was used to display bowling scores. It was in small ticker tape that displayed a letter from him saying he needed to say goodbye.
That was the time I woke up and trying to understand to reason of it, if it mattered or not and if I still wanted a part of Ben in my life. My heart felt peaceful, that despite of what me and Ben went through, there's truth at the heart of it..that I am part of his life and him in mine..

for Mom and Dad

Dear Mama and Daddy,

I finally decided to take courage and write you a letter. Or at least blog one for you. But dont get your hopes up, as this will be the last of all the few ones I've written. I would rather show you all of the things I am,like the little girl you once knew, always malambing and making sure you have everything that you need from the moment you wake up, til the day you come home from work. I decided to write because...I feel my sickness is progressing. From the last three months that I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, the symptoms are coming in strongly and too fast for me to cope. I researched on all the materials I could find regarding this disease and I fear that all of it being said, I am a walking testament to it. Today, I am struggling to type this one letter and yet, I am in pain, I cannot read clearly anymore..

Let me start by saying I'M SORRY for being a rebel daughter. For making you cry and that made you think that you didn't raise me well compared to my brothers and sisters, but you did. You did raise me wonderfully as any parent could, it was my careless decision that lead me into trouble neck-deep but THANK YOU...for making the conscious effort to never give up on what I was going through as a teen, and as an adult. That even during those times surrender can be so calming, you have been embracing my flaws all at the same time, many many times over.

Mama, I love you. I love you for putting a happy face that everything will be okay after this. For bringing me closer to God ever since I can remember. You always say that God will never forsake us, I believe in that so much. I thank God for you,for being my angel. I am beautiful in God's grace because you and Dad made me feel that way.

Daddy, I'm scared. I'm scared to lose my eyesight, the feeling of inability to touch and the feeling of not waking up another day. I had recurring dreams of us, in the dark,musky part of the forest and I keep calling you but gently you would take my hand warmly into yours and with a big voice, you'd say " Nothing's going to harm you,sweetheart. I am here" You are my breath of fresh air, Daddy.

Someday, my body will give up and shut down without me knowing, I will be at loss for words, I will not be able do anything at all. But this is one for the bucket list. I will do my best to memorize every line,every frown, every happy little thing that makes joy all the craze for both of you..

I love you Mama and Daddy, I promise I will make you happy for all I can give and all the strength I can muster. I thank God that I met the best people in my life, you have been and will always be amazing. Don't ever be sad for me, no matter what happens, I will be okay, everything will be...

V-day

This year's Valentine date is one of the many valentines I had wanted to spend for so long. Not with eye candies or potential bf, but I had opt to spend it with friends. It had always been that way. Dates can be done all year round, but spending it with friends, those close to your heart, makes it more special.
My friends came home from out of the country and we were just so excited to see each other. Here’s the deep stuff that spells out what truly matters in life, like the gift of family and friends and good health and togetherness, blessings that are already there, but there are also a lot of all these light and little dreams that lounge lazily, happily, in the heart. They taught me how to laugh unapologetic even when the world seem not to agree with us. Back in the day, there was this constant need to always be together. Now, we welcome the time we spend apart because when we do come together there is so much more to share with each other. I am grateful for moments such as these

A Painless kind of Pain

I don't know how starting the year right would matter. I used to be THAT optimistic to sway with a lot of people cheering on a hopeful new year. Late, late last year I've been diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis.

It started when my index finger started to go numb, then my right hand. I noticed that my eyes were droopy and I had double vision every time I lack sleep. It's that kind of pain where you're really drunk and your body turns to jelly, so helpless but minus the alcohol. When someone sneezes, I get sick right away and bedridden for a week. The worst is stress, if I get emotionally or mentally exhausted, my body repels it like kryptonite. It's a Princess' sickness my doctor would say. It doesn't have a cure, but it fades out in 2-3 years, if I'm lucky.

God said he never makes anything damaged, I believe in that and I pray more than ever about it. My first entry for 2011 is all about the hope in finding to cope. I will be strong and not be all weak in accepting this. I'm still alive and that's a lot to be thankful for :)