for Mom and Dad

Dear Mama and Daddy,

I finally decided to take courage and write you a letter. Or at least blog one for you. But dont get your hopes up, as this will be the last of all the few ones I've written. I would rather show you all of the things I am,like the little girl you once knew, always malambing and making sure you have everything that you need from the moment you wake up, til the day you come home from work. I decided to write because...I feel my sickness is progressing. From the last three months that I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, the symptoms are coming in strongly and too fast for me to cope. I researched on all the materials I could find regarding this disease and I fear that all of it being said, I am a walking testament to it. Today, I am struggling to type this one letter and yet, I am in pain, I cannot read clearly anymore..

Let me start by saying I'M SORRY for being a rebel daughter. For making you cry and that made you think that you didn't raise me well compared to my brothers and sisters, but you did. You did raise me wonderfully as any parent could, it was my careless decision that lead me into trouble neck-deep but THANK YOU...for making the conscious effort to never give up on what I was going through as a teen, and as an adult. That even during those times surrender can be so calming, you have been embracing my flaws all at the same time, many many times over.

Mama, I love you. I love you for putting a happy face that everything will be okay after this. For bringing me closer to God ever since I can remember. You always say that God will never forsake us, I believe in that so much. I thank God for you,for being my angel. I am beautiful in God's grace because you and Dad made me feel that way.

Daddy, I'm scared. I'm scared to lose my eyesight, the feeling of inability to touch and the feeling of not waking up another day. I had recurring dreams of us, in the dark,musky part of the forest and I keep calling you but gently you would take my hand warmly into yours and with a big voice, you'd say " Nothing's going to harm you,sweetheart. I am here" You are my breath of fresh air, Daddy.

Someday, my body will give up and shut down without me knowing, I will be at loss for words, I will not be able do anything at all. But this is one for the bucket list. I will do my best to memorize every line,every frown, every happy little thing that makes joy all the craze for both of you..

I love you Mama and Daddy, I promise I will make you happy for all I can give and all the strength I can muster. I thank God that I met the best people in my life, you have been and will always be amazing. Don't ever be sad for me, no matter what happens, I will be okay, everything will be...

V-day

This year's Valentine date is one of the many valentines I had wanted to spend for so long. Not with eye candies or potential bf, but I had opt to spend it with friends. It had always been that way. Dates can be done all year round, but spending it with friends, those close to your heart, makes it more special.
My friends came home from out of the country and we were just so excited to see each other. Here’s the deep stuff that spells out what truly matters in life, like the gift of family and friends and good health and togetherness, blessings that are already there, but there are also a lot of all these light and little dreams that lounge lazily, happily, in the heart. They taught me how to laugh unapologetic even when the world seem not to agree with us. Back in the day, there was this constant need to always be together. Now, we welcome the time we spend apart because when we do come together there is so much more to share with each other. I am grateful for moments such as these

A Painless kind of Pain

I don't know how starting the year right would matter. I used to be THAT optimistic to sway with a lot of people cheering on a hopeful new year. Late, late last year I've been diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis.

It started when my index finger started to go numb, then my right hand. I noticed that my eyes were droopy and I had double vision every time I lack sleep. It's that kind of pain where you're really drunk and your body turns to jelly, so helpless but minus the alcohol. When someone sneezes, I get sick right away and bedridden for a week. The worst is stress, if I get emotionally or mentally exhausted, my body repels it like kryptonite. It's a Princess' sickness my doctor would say. It doesn't have a cure, but it fades out in 2-3 years, if I'm lucky.

God said he never makes anything damaged, I believe in that and I pray more than ever about it. My first entry for 2011 is all about the hope in finding to cope. I will be strong and not be all weak in accepting this. I'm still alive and that's a lot to be thankful for :)