my Kaydet Bear

THERE IS THIS FRAGILITY that seems to have washed over the world in my eyes, and all is just tender, fleeting, at first near but then so suddenly hazy and distant, somewhat lonely. ..

" You were just a dream that I once knew, I never thought I would be right for you. i just can't compare you with anything in this world. You're all I need to be here with Forevermore...I love you so much, baby,"

His whispers drowned that last of the TAPS for that night. The bugle sound signalling the end of the study period and all cadets were to return to their barracks, lights out. Every Friday he would sing me this song by Side A band. It was one of the many songs that we shared. That was eight years ago. His name was Nick (name withheld).
Nick came into my life as the perfect timing would dictate. I just came from a bad breakup, still healing and like a child in dark room, grasping for anything solid and promising that will lead me to a better place. And then there he was, in full white uniform carrying a blush pink of roses with easy smile and eyes excited to see me. He kissed me softly on the cheek and whispered loving things to my ear. I felt safe with Nick. We spent Christmas and New Year 2002 with his family. They have welcomed me so warmly into their home specially Tita. But we broke up less than a year. I never heard from him since then. But in 2003, he got married and settled. I cried a bit but I knew he was happy, we both were in our separate statuses.
Fast forward to this year, where we had kept contact with each other and have been friends, laughing like old times, giggling with silliness over our "obsession" with Popoy & Basha, a tagalog movie. One day, he gave me a call and we spoke hours over the phone talking about what happened with our past, we sealed the deal with forgiveness and closure and we were back to being really good friends again.
That fatal day, August 16, I was sitting having breakfast when the news came on TV announcing two missing pilots in a chopper crash in Zamboanga. I had this empty hole in my stomach. Like someone punched me in the gut so hard that I thought it would leave me lifeless. I sent him a text worriedly, praying that it wasn't the same chopper he was bragging about on his forthcoming flight that morning.
Facebook was the worst communication of this news for I have never been stressed out reading posts and comments of loved ones about him. And then.. August 19, my fears have been confirmed. Nick's tragic death. It tore me to pieces and crushed the very core of me. I couldn't breathe. It was too cold and too empty. I just spoke to him a few days ago, promising we would see each other when he flies his chopper to Baguio. I checked my phone, there he was, the series of messages, his registered phone calls and hearing his laugh echoing in my head.

Whenever there was something troubling or puzzling me, it was always easy for me to say “I will figure this all out, everything will all make sense," but my award-winning, death-defying optimism was thrown out of the window in just one nanosecond.

How do I deal with this pain? To have lost a really good friend whom I have loved so dearly. I stared long and hard at the box that was labeled "Nick". All the trinkets, jewelries, pictures, scrapbook-like things he had given was tucked away in a box. I am still afraid to open until now.Maybe someday, it will make sense to me, but i will mourn for the days to come for now.

I am still very much myself, just stronger maybe, and bolder when it comes to trying out new things. In the next breath I dare say I definitely have an even deeper appreciation of and for people and things, something I thought I already had so much of, but have even more of now.

There is this idea of forever that sits very comfortably with me, and I attach that to both people and things. I take good care of stuff I have so I can use and enjoy it forever, I take care of relationships because I want these people in my life with certainty, for a long, long time to come — yes, even forever. But the fact is, change is faithful and regular; not everything always fits in the little box I built for myself — people come and go; things get broken, get lost, are replaced with new ones. Goodbyes always wound us in some painful way.

I told my mom and dad, they said they understood the space I was coming from, but I have to be strong in prayers and much faith. After all, that courage could be found deep within my fears, not some place far away from it. I just had to bring it to the surface so it could lift me up. That brought me some measure of comfort and strength. I did not analyze the situation too much, I tried not to get ahead of myself; I only dealt with what was immediately before me and prayed even harder for the pain that crushes my heart with this tragic blow.

Nick, thank you for the little kaydet bear you gave me. It still looks at me warmly with coffee brown eyes just likes yours, I know now why it smiles silly and wears a soldier's uniform like you do. I will miss you in all things we have shared and been through. You taught me that life is so beautiful yet short. I am thankful and I am blessed that you have been mine, even for a short time..

a J-filled weekend

My super long overdue blog that's supposed to be published sometime March is now here. I guess I slack off too much with something (and maybe someone?) else. These three parts are dedicated to my best friend J.
13 February 2pm
Earlier that week, I've been having my own call center established,only with J as my caller because of the excitement he can't contain for his forthcoming trip. My sister Tea, on the other hand, have been requesting for me to cook spaghetti for her and her husband's birthday dinner.
I just finished taking the pot of sauce off the stove and packed it carefully together with the noodles. J kept calling every minute but I didn't bother picking up because I was busy preparing food and packing some overnight clothes. I gave instructions to the househelp to carefully load the sauce when the car arrives to pick it up. And I was off to a wonderful weekend with J...
3pm
I waved at J from the cab. It took forever to get to the bus terminal because of the Chinese New year parade. And there he was, in his tight fitting pants, sneakers, sunglasses and duffel bags. He craned his neck to see if it was me and he waved back excitedly flashing his million-dollar smile. He loaded the bags at the back of the vehicle and hurriedly ran to the car door where I was at, he hugged me warmly and handed me my favorite Krispy Kremes. We took Military Cut-Off road because it was the fastest route going to Starwood Hotel. I let J sink in the cold weather and I can tell, he was just too happy to be here, in the moment.
By the time we unloaded his bags and settled in his cozy room, we gathered our pocketbooks and key and left for late lunch at Sizzling Plate a few minutes after.
We had noodle soup, Iced tea,sizzling porkchops, java rice and their house specialty for dessert which was Sans rival.. He was a tiny bit disappointed because he liked buttery silvanas better than the wafer-like sweet that he finished in probably, a few seconds.
After lunch, we lazed around the hotel room as we were getting ready for SLU Glee Club's Valentine Day Concert that included my brother as a tenor.

6pm
The concert turned out to be spectacular! me and J loved it! Their playlist was well-planned and well-applauded. The mini orchestra, the theme of the concert and the audience participation all contributed to a great show. I am, to this day, beaming with pride for my brother W who was part of this stellar cast and allowed me and J to be a part of it. The show lasted two hours and we decided to head to CityLight for pre-dinner cocktails. We were in the middle of drinks, cheesesticks and fries when we suddenly felt sleepy, we realized we got off the graveyard shift the night before that and we were fast approaching twenty four hours without sleep. I looked at J, he was smiling wearily but for whatever strength was left of it, he really wanted to hangout at Nevada Square and check out the al fresco club scene. Me? I was just after a shawarma craving.

8pm and Freezing
A few beers, shawarmas and grilled streetfood later,I was ready to fold. it was unusually freezing out and I encouraged J to go bar hop a bit while I was contented looking at my cold beer forming beads of sweat at the side of the bottle. Then a sharp white pain down my back hit because of the cold, so that was a major signal that I had to call it a night. At least for myself. I called J to bid goodnight and told him to just enjoy himself and get to know the crowd with Shakey.
As much as I would like to crawl to bed and hide beneath the warm sheets, I smelled like beer and smoke and it's just disgusting that my strawberry-scented hair was mixed with the scent of nicotine. Ugh! I took a quick shower and nestled comfortably in bed, it was time to say goodnight to a fabulous Saturday (to be continued)

..then there was Valentines (2/3 parts)
I woke up sleepily with J smiling at me like sunshine. I grunted. I was definitely not a morning person. It would take a crane to lift the corners of my mouth to form a smile everytime I wake up.We got dressed after freshening up and settled for Breakfast at Tea House, one of my favorite restaurants in the city. He loved the Lechon Binagoongan, while I was struggling to finish the hefty serving of vegetables and fried chicken on my plate. I was just happy to be transferring half of those crunchy greens onto J's plate. For dessert, we settled for Chona's delight, it was a sweet taro version of the Missisippi Mud Pie classic, only this came in plastic bowls good for two or three.
I said our goodbyes that morning and told him we were having lunch at Central Park with my folks. This Valentines Day is a little more special than the previous Valentines that I have had. It'll be the first time that my parents would get to meet my best friend and share this day with them altogether. It was a brief lunch of Roasted Duck, Dumplings, Yang Chow Fried Rice, Chicken Feet,Sweet and Sour Lapu Lapu and Milk Tea. My parents were on their way to celebrate Valentines day together with their friends. Me and J waited for Anton, the driver because were touring Baguio. I was also excited because I really don't get to stop and see Baguio for what tourists sight-see for. I'm only a happy camper with the cold weather and nothing else. It was also a welcoming relief from the busy city to see the countryside.
2pm
So we went to La Trinidad to check the strawberry fields so J could enjoy his liesure time with strawberry-picking. I kept insisting that the strawberries the side vendors were selling were much bigger, ripe and juicy , but he was after the experience, so I let him take his sweet time, bask in the foggy atmosphere, with Anton acting as a photographer to document it. We took loads of strawberries home. The sweet scent wafted inside the car and my mouth watered almost intantly, so I took one out of J's take-out box and took a bite. Wow! Heaven!
The next stop was Mines View where Anton and J went to the viewdeck to take some pictures of some amazing view and Sebastian, a Saint Bernard pure bred, it was the resident dog that tourists take a photo-op of. I was hanging out lazily in the car waiting for them to finish when he appeared out of nowhere giddy, holding a japanese corn on a stick motioning me to take it. He hurriedly left to make a beeline on the stores lined up across the park that sold, almost hundreds of souvenirs made of silver, trinkets, sweaters, jars filled of sugary things and wooden toys. We passed by the Good Shepherd Convent to buy jars of sweet taro, and cookies so J could bring them to Manila. While waiting for Anton to bring the car around, we took pictures at their viewdeck, the air is amazing up the hill,time feels slow just hanging out and lazing around.
Our last stop was Camp John Hay I wanted to take J to Starbucks but along the way, he just wanted to take pictures near the tree cove, bushes, at the Butterfly Farm and anything he can lay his eyes on. I let him do whatever he wants on this trip, since it's his. And mine,of course.

We were tired from a long day so we took an afternoon nap at his hotel and as the night fell, we scrambled to Forest House. I was a little worried because we had no reservations and it was Valentines Day. But luckily, we got a table after a few minutes at the veranda. It was a little cold but we enjoyed the view of the mountains that was covered with thousands of lights from the little homes sprawled across the city. He ordered spareribs while i was in the mood for Hungarian sausage and fries. Our orders came but I was a little disappointed with my order. It was just a sausage placed on a plate. They forgot to put the fries on the side. J kept trying to hide his laughter but we did enjoy the night despite the mishaps. I took him back to the hotel but I noticed he was a little sad. Much as I wanted to be with him, I needed to spend the last minutes of Valentines with my family too. It was a conversation that he had with his significant other, M that ticked me. M just yelled at him for all the wrong things but unreasonable at that. I am just seeping with anger at M for doing that to my bestfriend. But given any circumstance, J was strong, too strong in fact, he could handle all of it.
The next day it was goodbye, we just bought some last minute stuff like raisin bread from the cottage near Country Club and he was off. I cried a little, because who knows when i'm gonna see him again. I hugged him tight wondering where our next adventure might be..

a lovely Father's Day weekend

This is one of my favorite days of the year where we remember what a wonderful dad we have. I'm one of the luckiest in this world to still have mine living under the same roof. I have spent the whole night planning what to cook for Sunday when Mom made some phone calls the next morning to Tea inviting their family to spend it with us. I'm as ecstatic as everybody because, this will be the first time I get to spend with my baby nephew and niece. I was kinda disappointed Dad didn't want Pancakes for breakfast, I reminded him that we had to eat something light since we'll be spending Father's Day Lunch at Tea and Joh's place, but he was just too happy to have a big freshly baked Tilapia and rice for breakfast. We went to hear Mass and I was almost always calculating in my head what my last minute grocery shopping details were gonna be. I was still thinking of what dessert should be served without the usual cake or ice cream in tow. Lunch at my sister's was sinfully superb! Her version of Nilagang Shortribs was simply the best! She kept looking at me, trying to see if she passed my standards, and it was the best shortribs stew I had in awhile. The sweetness of cabbage, freshly cracked peppercorns and soft potato quarters had married perfectly with the soup. I think I slurped it so deliciously that I passed on the chicharon and the Pata Tim that was ordered at a favorite restaurant. My brother-in-law served Vintage full bold red that afternoon, but I really didn't like wine, my mom insisted that I take a sip wherein I joke that I had the coolest mom ever. So I obliged, cringing quietly on my seat. We were all so full that dessert never crossed our minds. The rain poured heavily and we had to head out because I was past my deadline on preparing the menu. Hours later, I was still wrapping the egg rolls when my sister Tea and the rest of the family came, I got really panicky because our scheduled early dinner was fast approaching and I still had one food item prepared! Good thing, my sister dragged two of her househelps plus one on mine,and they were just as amazing to execute all the thing that I needed in a timely and prompt manner. We got every food on the menu spread at 7:10 pm. My sister was looking for the dessert surprise, so she sneaked in looking for it at the refrigerator, but to her delight, she saw two big rolls of ice cream cake nestled on the freezer which made her drool even more. i prepared coconut milk shake, my most expensive version of Pansit Bihon which my dad liked so much, baked soy ginger chicken, deep fried spring rolls and ice cream cakes. Everybody had a great time celebrating this day. And they took home doggie bags to enjoy some leftovers as well. Thinking of what event to plan next..;)

my favorite (COMFORT FOOD) finds

I KNOW AND I'M VERY CONFIDENT, that I have a fine-tuned palate. I enjoy good food and good conversations that come with it. But sometimes, it's always best to take a break from Beluga, Duck Confit, Amuse Busche and other luxurious food that's out there. Comfort food stands out usually during the happy and sad times that I I go through. You'd always like something delicious to depend on while pampering or soothing a hurt ego. So let me share my ultimate favorites with you...

• Nestle Ice Cream Double Dutch - this brand is hands down on creamy goodness, marbled with just the right touch of chocolate swirls, yummy chocolate slivers and chips, marshmallows and vanilla. I compared it with other brands and it didn't hold a candle to what the old-school Magnolia is famously known for.


• McDonalds French Fries - who would deny that this is the best fries ever made known to man? To me, at least. Those spuds could cure a heartbreak in a minute. I like it with salt or just happily dip it in my caramel sundae, brings happy highschool memories when all we lived on was allowances


• Tea House Palabok - I love noodles so much I could marry it! Palabok had been my ultimate comfort food. But I had worst one too many times til I stumbled on this. When this gets to the table, the noodles are covered with red-orange shrimp sauce rich with cooked oysters, pork, chicharon,tofu, pork, served with calamansi and patis on the side. Tea House never scrimps on ingredients so that's why it won my affection on my foodie list.


• Macsbox - a college favorite! Rice topping kiosk found at the U-belt and I'm thankful that it exist up to now. With P50, you geta bang-in-the-buck rice topping box exploding with flavors. One of my favorites would be their mouth-watering Binagoongan, big chunks of lean pork, little fat, chives, onion, shrimps topped with chopped unripe mangoes and scrambled egg mixed in bagoong sauce. The bagoong is heavenly, it has a combination of salt and sugar and it was mildly spiced.


• Orville Redenbacher Popcorn - in White Cheddar, butter or plain. For the plain popcorn, I nuke it and sprinkle M&Ms while it's hot and you'll be amazed how yummy this carnival food is.


• Taho - soymilk, tofu or any of its equivalent makes me happy. The gelatinous texture of it that shoots up on the mouth and melts like butter is heaven to me


• Taco Bell Churros - it is kinda greasy, because it's dough deep fried, but just pat it down with a paper towel or a table napkin and get ready to dunk it hot chocolate sauce!

This is part one. Once i'm camery ready, I'll post some pictures!

my Princess Hours

As I fluorished the last piece of Almond Roca that my sister Tea gave me that morning, I took the laptop by my window and checked to see what my friends have been up to for the past few days. My heart flutters for the people who starts to leave the country and start back at zero to a new place. Amazing, isn't it? There's fear and excitement at the same time. The kind of adrenaline rush some are just too afraid to try. I always wonder if life is passing me by so quickly. At the rate things are going, I might be the only one just taking my own sweet time at things. The opportunities just go like running water and I keep missing it everytime. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a freshly-picked grape sitting and waiting to be an age-old prune still hoping to be churned into a classic, expensive wine that everybody celebrates on. I read at one article that "opportunities only come once, so whatever feeling you have, set it aside and just show up," this one just knocked me over.

Being a creature of habit is really hard, getting out of my comfort zone is even harder. But I need to constantly remind myself that I can't live a charmed life all the time when I need to thread the hard experiences to be strong like the rest of my friends and people that I know. That's one of the reasons why I'm as fragile as glass and I could break any day now. I need to experience life outside of what I was used to. And that "used-to" place is not here, it's out there somewhere.
Eventually, I'll get tired of the people who give in to my whims, do what I asked them and like what I love, because I miss the girl who doesn't sit in one place too long. I'm just waiting for my adventure to start, with or without someone. Someday, I will ask myself if I'm ready to take a chance to start my life and take on the world again. For now, that will have to wait and still wear my pink crown, up here on a high horse...

The (so many) reasons why I love Daddy

• When I was little, we would drive down the beach on Sundays and swim all day then get pizzas for dinner, we would eat all the junk that we could find with mom shaking her head in disappointment, he would say, with a boyish grin: "Honey, don't worry. Tomorrow, they'll be back eating vegetables again, "
• He bought me pretzels instead of V-Cut when I was 7 because he thinks that spicy food will make my tummy react violently
• He shelled my first crab because my pink little fingers couldn't break the claw, and he neatly stacked it in my plate, forgetting to eat his own in the process
• He marched to the principal's office upset when he learned a boy my age bullied me and kissed my forehead saying everything will be okay from then on
• My dad made me sing and act in front of my cousins and uncles because he thinks I'm gifted
• He talks about me in front of his friends like I'm always the star of the show
• He got really sad when all of his four girls had received roses for the very first time
• He was ecstatic when my brother had his first date
• My dad spends lavishly on family celebrations because they were important milestones and acknowledging them this way was his way of saying he's proud
• Daddy is a true gentleman in all ways I can think of. I feel like a princess all the time!
• He comforted me on my first heartbreak
• He was there during my first final job interview and my first day at work and for the first three months of my job when I didn't know the where's and how'to's in the big city
• He did the same thing for all my brothers and sisters
• He would give out even his last money if I was short of cash
• He'd stay up all night just to listen to my stories and how proud he is of my acheievements
• He always reminded me that he sees himself in me: eager, determined and headstrong in my decisions
• he laughs at my jokes no matter how corny they are
• he laughs at my silliness and even if I get upset, he'll make me feel that I need to take things lightly most of the time
• He still makes me cry like a little girl when he says goodbye
• He always remind Mom to buy my favorite food every now and then
• He gently reminds me how dangerous a girl should be coming home at the wee hours of the morning
• He tells me how guys act and shares how they can be such jerks because he went through that phase too
• My Dad never fails to show how much he loves Mom
• He never forgets to tell me how important family will always be as a support system in any trials
• He gathers the family for our night prayers and other Holy obligations

The list goes on and on. My dad, like yours, is the best for me. He'll always be the one constant man in my life. He's the man who reminds to always focus on a love that's certain and true. Because of him, my childhood had been a very happy one, full of simple things inspite of all the material things that he can afford for all of us. My father taught me that life is too short to spend it on angst, frustrations and disappointment, he made me achieve for what I dont have and yet value what I have NOW. I am blessed to have him and to God, I will always be eternally grateful for the gift that is Dad...

the Reunion

I arrived in Manila at 4pm from the bus terminal, heat greeted me in a warm way. It had been a year since I last saw this place that I used to call home. I was scheduled to meet with Sher for cocktails after doing occular inspection at Astoria that night because of the reunion that will happen the night after. I was nervous and excited at the same time.
I sleepily dragged myself out of bed, my travel pill still kicked in almost strongly and then heavy rain started to pour. I begged Sher to move our appointment to a later hour because she was early but she wouldn't hear me out.
So half an hour later, I found myself with Sher and Cris (one of the super friends I consider) in a cab laughing about anything we could think of. Too bad Cris wasn't coming with us because she had work. We finally arrived at the Astoria, I fully paid for the suite and did an occular inspection. It was posh! I couldn't wait for tomorrow for everybody to get together. My heart was beating fast with excitement.
After the occular, me and Sher decided to hit Sbarro for my favorite pizza -- Chicago White ( a deep dish pizza with white cheese and white sauce on top), it was the bomb! So far, I am loving where I was at the moment. We decided to go for after-dinner drinks at Allan's grill at Marikina Shoe Expo, me and Sher frequented the place before. And we missed the place. My bestfriend J was calling non-stop and I feel bad, because he only had an hour of lunch and we were just nearby his office at that time but we opted to move to a different watering hole.
J was one of the reasons I went to Manila, I missed him so much. he's the male bestfriend that I could comfortably say "i love you" to, I guess because he is such an amazing person to begin with and we click in so many ways. He's a driving force in my life and I'd definitely want him to stay there.
Allan's Grill was filled that night but we managed to find a table. Sher ordered a few beers, and because of my medication, I had opt for a delish Sago Gulaman, we food-tripped on Tokwa't Baboy and Turon because it was their house specialties, and as expected, it did not disappoint.I had wish Cris and J were there at that very moment. At least I wouldn't have to hear Sher talk about her points of vew on politics and the on-going campaign brouhaha. We called it a night at around midnight. I was sleepy that I wanted to crawl on my way home.

Saturday morning. D- Day I woke up at 10am getting lots of messages and phone calls from friends regarding the reunion, I was just too lazy to even reply. WTH! That pill (name withheld) should have worn off by now! J had been calling to meet up for breakfast but I had so much to do that morning, preparing and packing my second luggage for the hotel. I secured my receipts, cash, my miniature video cam, makeup and clothes and stuffed it in a few minutes. I just hate to pack but you would be amazed on how organized I can be after getting through that phase.
Tina and I met at the lobby, the receptionist, was a little slow on finding my account, she didn't even know I paid for it, that we had to wait for half an hour to have housekeeping check the suite and get my reservation in place. She was embarrassed that she sent two complimentary iced teas to our table while she finished some last minute details on the account. While I was busy catching up with Tina. Ben called to check if the event was going to push through. My heart fluttered a little. I was the most excited person to see him. I guess I never really wanted to let other people know mainly because, I didn't want it to be a cocktail anecdote that night. heck, I couldn't even say it out loud. I just wanted to savor the moment and it was only for myself.
As we opened our suite, My mouth opened dropped open. The room was everything the website says! Polished brown walls, marbled floors. coffee tables, a circular glass dining table were arranged beautifully at the center of the living room. There was a kitchen near the doorway that was as big as the two bedrooms. Tina and two of our other friends Mitch, and Fatima, immediately helped me arranged the tables, pumped balloons and placed tea candles on some dark corners of the place. I sighed nervously. The party was going to be beautiful. At the last minute, there were two guests who had texted that they will not be able to make it. So I made a few phone calls to have a party-sized pancit delivered to the room. We finished in 30 minutes and by five o'clock, we were all lazing around the living room watching Kimora on TV. My right thumb hurt from texting a lot of people in just a minute. I've never had this kind of affair with my phone before. I just wanted to get it over with and have a long bubble bath before the party.
Because the place was hard to find for some and that they were on their way, I had a few minutes to enjoy a quick shower so I could get back on the phone. Whew! Anticipation is killing me!

8:05 pm Friends started to arrive with food. And for every person who would ring the doorbell, everybody shrieked excitedly. It was so fun. We played games but mostly we sat there, eating, laughing, taking pictures and talking about the past five years that had happened to us. I forgot to eat because every minute had been just so precious connecting with everyone. I guess I didn't wanna miss anything. And holding a videocam takes me away from the conversation but I know it would be worth it. Later, i gave the videocam to my friends so that they could take turns in taking some good clips and it served as a perfect excuse to go and mingle. i looked at the time, Ben wasn't there yet. And every minute that passed, a pound of nervousness replaced my excitement.
Finally, there he was, a long pregnant pause overwhelmed us both. I didn't wanna go so much into details but then it was a wonderful moment to be just there at that very second. Everybody cheered that we were united and I was really happy he was there. It felt..wonderful to be in his arms again. It was a defining moment, ha-ha! Anyway, the event was very successful, I may say. I gave myself a mental pat on the back. The party lasted until 7 am the following day and until now, they are still asking if there would be a repeat of the event..hmm.. can I think about it? :)

Jees...

"JEES! JEES!" my baby nephew Theo held out his pink little hands to the paper bag I brought for him. It was Saturday morning and I was tired from work. I brought a couple of pancakes, french fries and pineapple juice at a drive-thru and surprised my little man with breakfast together.

He sipped excitedly as the liquid reached his lips. "Jees! Jees!" he said repeatedly pointing to the juice cup in my hand. It was playtime and he gamely posed for pictures on my camera phone. He shook my arm gently to make the sign of the cross and I blinked twice to see if he just did what I thought he did. His hands slowly touched points of his shoulders crossing his chest and then I knew his was signalling us to pray before we eat.

How a little angel like him took me back to my faith or what's left of it. He reminded me, that, like him, I was once an angel, pure of thoughts and innocent of the world. I seemed to forget one thing--essential of my life and what I always believed in.

Theo tugged me to put ketchup on his fry and then held my face. It felt good being part of someone's life who thinks you're one of the best in his list and everything in between. I need to act that part by being a role model. A laughable wake-up call.

the anticipation of J

PERMISSION: J for borrowing your picture.

2008 had given me one of the most important people in my life --Jhonar.

J is the one of the best blessings the Lord had given me in two years. He is the one man who gave me so much to look forward to when I thought there was none. I had so many who claimed to be my best friend, but they were only after intrigues in my life, money and status. I guess everybody goes through all that, after they get burned on a proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back, a fresh start welcomes them anew.

To me, J is the light after the blackout, after the dozen of candles are lit, the house would look serene and almost romantic with the flickering candelight signalling the beauty of hope in my life. I relish the days of spontaneity, his laughter and his easy ways of making me laugh. Although I think he makes me laugh more. Everyday, I am just as amazed on how we would just talk hours on the phone, interrupting each other and never running out of things to say. How liberating to be with a person who lets you be, who sermons when you are wrong, who doesn't judge and listens when I am plain upset and dramatic about the world.

J has a heart of steel, predisposed to triumph to every situation but he is not necessarily spared the wounds that have afforded him the chance to do just that. There are not enought to words to weave the fabric of his life because to me, his stories are superhuman almost. He inspires me to be better because he grabs life by the horns and simply yet gracefully, lives it.

He is the rose, that no matter how beautiful, has its thorns. By listening to what his life had been, the sharpest recollections come with the most mundane of details, those seemingly insignificant things that, as it happens you think you will promptly forget. Time will eventually tell that you did not, will not, cannot. As such, the memory becomes more poignant, bruised even, and somewhat strangely, so much more to the one listening than the one narrating. J never had an attitude of great surrender, he still stood by strong against the will of a strong wind. He can stumble and fall but he will get up almost immediately, dust himself off then try again.

Whatever I deserved to have him in my life, I have anticipated and prayed for. Pray that you may find a best friend who is as loving, handsome and strong as J.

Kuya

I get excited to see family members who I've missed and have not seen personally for months! Mine was my brother Sid who came home from the holidays. Since my parents were drained out from running errands or what the day demanded, they retired early for bed and opted to just laze around the house. My brother W was hard to get out of the house as he just stays in bed, surfing the net and brains out his PSP.

We watched Shake, Rattle and Roll XI. He watched gamely with me since he knew I was fond of Ruffa Guiterrez lately. He kept laughing at the horror scenes while we pig out on waffles and barbecue-flavored fries. Then we headed to Kubo Grill in Legarda for dinner and dined in on Liempo, Barbecue and Bulalo, finishing off the night with French Vanilla coffees. I missed his opinions in life, his being persistent and who I would always remember as the most thoughtful person in our circle. He never failed to save my butt in my troubles and he taught me how to be as optimistic as I could ever be. Now his dream to be in Dubai this year is soon to unravel. I will miss him so. And the thought gets me teary-eyed. As I finished the last sip of my coffee I peeked into his room, he slowly hummed some old-school song while packing, he looked at me and made a funny face. I returned back my funny face too, thinking this was one of our own precious moments of the many we will have as we grow old..

why INDIFFERENCE is such a big word to some.

Anong petsa na?!! That's the expression I would often hear from a lot of people nowadays when some would procrastinate on things. Life - as busy as it gets - got in the way of certain things. I miss blogging for one. Family time have been an absolute blessing for a few weeks straight and of course the surprises I get from financial gains year-end.
The holidays are always a time for realization and wake-up calls. Mine is a big slap in the face, in the recurring episodes of my male best friend of six years. He got really mad (in his words: "more of pissed") for me not attending our best friend's wedding. Ben was there, excited and all to see me walking down in the aisle as part of the entourage, but when he saw not even a shadow of me, he got alarmingly worried and texted something like: "help me understand why you're not here". The drama ends where he saw my wall posts partying hard here in Baguio when I could have been at the wedding partying with him. We made pre-plans of having dinner, talking and going out after but it never materialized.
After a year and a half of not seeing each other, he just stopped. Stoppped being patient and being apologetic of the little things he do if I get short-fused on him. He felt he had to step on the gas somewhat and not really caring what I would think even if I got hurt in the process. We tried to patch things up but his was a harsh reminder of what could have been when we saw each other. Four months from now, the reunion of good friends from a former company will conceptualize and I'm just as excited. But seeing Ben? We were once fond and affectionate of each other's friendship that I doubt if he would make it just because I stood up on him one too many times. He makes it feel all these efforts are not enough. But I dont want to try my luck on the cards table again. The risk is bigger this time. I'm not willing to make apiece of it. Unresolved. Back and forth. Egos got in the way. Indifference..
This issue I am willing to procrastinate on.