MY MIND IS RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE TODAY. Of all the days that I had to wake up with worry, it had to be Monday! I still couldn’t get over it. I dreamed that I was so big and I had to fit into a size 4 dress in a week for my best friend’s wedding. It can be a shallow of a dream, but it felt so excruciatingly depressing several hours after I woke up. I’m just so pressed with a November 30 wedding date on top of my head. I’ve been writing in dawdles all over my organizer. And I’m so upset with myself that I have cancelled out appointments because I lagged too much. Silly me.
Secondly, I was talking to my mom and she wanted me to go to Canada to work when my heart is set on Bahrain. She personally didn’t like Gulf countries, W was offered a job in Saudi and Cai, a job in Qatar, both my parents took special pains just to talk them out of it.
Then there were bills to pay past the deadline, I didn’t know that this week had a minus-two holidays which I had to pay penalty later on. Then our house help kept reminding me everyday I had to buy a phone replacing the lost one.
While he had sweetly tinker his new touch phone bragging it in front of me, I really can’t live without a phone. There’s just so much correspondence to catch up on.
Then there’s budgeting. There’s not enough money to go around with even if you think you have heaps of them. They just flow like water in and out of your hands. I need to stop buying unnecessary stuff so I could commission one-time wear gowns, shoes and bags to go with it. Manila will be just as expensive meeting up with friends while I’m there. I keep reminding myself to go slow on this. I get panic attacks if I think of a million things and not getting anything done. I’ll make things happen and stop canceling out what needs to be done.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
my Arabian Knight part 2
AFTER 2 WEEKS OF TORTURE, I have missed A so much it made me cry. It was just last night that I finally took the courage of talking to him. Just like any other couple making up, we start with small talk. I asked him about Ramadan and how fasting went for him. And reconciled naturally.
Then we talked about our plans, of me working in Bahrain while he was three hours away from me. He didn’t want me to come to his home country – Saudi, because there were stricter laws and couples cannot date publicly. Bahrain, he mentioned, was a free country and accepted bi-cultural relationships like ours. It would be easier for him to visit and he’d take me to the beautiful Gulf coast for tours and picnics and romantic walks under the moonlight. My fascination with their culture had developed through the weeks, I have been studying and researching Arab laws, Gulf coast countries, culture and beliefs on the internet. To me, it is important as my love for him.
“I hope you will be a Muslim, too.” It was that line that stumped me out of my dream. Suddenly, I panicked! Our family grew up in the most conservative beliefs of Catholicism, enjoying festivities that would include roast pigs, drinking wine and some few things that a Muslim is forbidden to do. It would break my family’s hearts if they knew I would convert. But would I really? That’ll be one of the major roadblocks in my life.
I am targeting the first quarter of 2010 to be getting work in Bahrain and maybe decide from there. Everyday, this thought, this simple yet complicated thought of working it out with a foreigner-boyfriend has become a staple of breeding questions in my head like religion, language, mood, beliefs and traditions. How do Filipinas with foreigner husbands and boyfriends made it through their respective relationships? Did they really compromise without sacrifice? Do I love A enough to leave my family behind? No amount of advice, argument and opinions will suffice the ultimate decision that I will have to deal with later on. And it will come soon.
Then we talked about our plans, of me working in Bahrain while he was three hours away from me. He didn’t want me to come to his home country – Saudi, because there were stricter laws and couples cannot date publicly. Bahrain, he mentioned, was a free country and accepted bi-cultural relationships like ours. It would be easier for him to visit and he’d take me to the beautiful Gulf coast for tours and picnics and romantic walks under the moonlight. My fascination with their culture had developed through the weeks, I have been studying and researching Arab laws, Gulf coast countries, culture and beliefs on the internet. To me, it is important as my love for him.
“I hope you will be a Muslim, too.” It was that line that stumped me out of my dream. Suddenly, I panicked! Our family grew up in the most conservative beliefs of Catholicism, enjoying festivities that would include roast pigs, drinking wine and some few things that a Muslim is forbidden to do. It would break my family’s hearts if they knew I would convert. But would I really? That’ll be one of the major roadblocks in my life.
I am targeting the first quarter of 2010 to be getting work in Bahrain and maybe decide from there. Everyday, this thought, this simple yet complicated thought of working it out with a foreigner-boyfriend has become a staple of breeding questions in my head like religion, language, mood, beliefs and traditions. How do Filipinas with foreigner husbands and boyfriends made it through their respective relationships? Did they really compromise without sacrifice? Do I love A enough to leave my family behind? No amount of advice, argument and opinions will suffice the ultimate decision that I will have to deal with later on. And it will come soon.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
re-blogged
I saw this on my sister's blog, thought you might like it as I have grown fondly of it, Chicken-Soup-for-the-Soul style...
Once there was a blind man who always stays in front of the church. He stayed there and begged everyday of his life. He had a hat placed in front and had a sign beside him that says, "I AM BLIND, PLEASE HELP ME."
One day, a man passed by and noticed the blind man's plight. He changed the sign that was beside the blind man and threw in some coins, then left.
After a while, the kind man wondered how the blind man was doing. He decided to return to where the blind man was. He noticed that the hat was filled to the brim.
Noticing the familiar steps of the kind man, the blind man asked, "Excuse me sir, were you the one who changed my sign a while ago?". "May I know what you wrote?"
"You want to know what I wrote? It says, IT IS A BEAUTIFUL WORLD, & I CAN'T SEE IT."
Once there was a blind man who always stays in front of the church. He stayed there and begged everyday of his life. He had a hat placed in front and had a sign beside him that says, "I AM BLIND, PLEASE HELP ME."
One day, a man passed by and noticed the blind man's plight. He changed the sign that was beside the blind man and threw in some coins, then left.
After a while, the kind man wondered how the blind man was doing. He decided to return to where the blind man was. He noticed that the hat was filled to the brim.
Noticing the familiar steps of the kind man, the blind man asked, "Excuse me sir, were you the one who changed my sign a while ago?". "May I know what you wrote?"
"You want to know what I wrote? It says, IT IS A BEAUTIFUL WORLD, & I CAN'T SEE IT."
what Sundays bring
GROWING UP, I NEVER LIKED SUNDAYS, because it was a start of a gruesome study week on early busy mondays and sometimes the feeling makes me throw up or just the thought of it makes me sick. I keep forgetting what it was for. Families, of course.
After Sunday mass, all six of us wouldhead to Giorgio's for pizzas then head to Lola's house for a grand lunch of bulalo, inihaw na liempo,kare-kare and some Pangasinanse dishes that I'm still unfamiliar with to this day. After lunch, the uncles and aunts would gather in a bench to catch up with stories of their own. We'd play tag for a couple of hours or board games til 6 pm and we would be so sleepy that we'd wake up finding ourselves carried by Daddy from the car to our beds.
Ever since I work night shifts during the weekdays, that was the only time I appreciate Sundays. If you noticed this is the only day that seems to drag by lazily and it allows you to take all the time you want.
I love how God balances everything in our lives. To some of us, we do not realize it til we reach a certain age. To most, a thankful prayer that this day had come for rest and getting to touch our centers which are family, friends and self.
I will make everyday Sunday, to never forget that this isn't about work all the time, but the importance that life teaches us to be a family to one another...
After Sunday mass, all six of us wouldhead to Giorgio's for pizzas then head to Lola's house for a grand lunch of bulalo, inihaw na liempo,kare-kare and some Pangasinanse dishes that I'm still unfamiliar with to this day. After lunch, the uncles and aunts would gather in a bench to catch up with stories of their own. We'd play tag for a couple of hours or board games til 6 pm and we would be so sleepy that we'd wake up finding ourselves carried by Daddy from the car to our beds.
Ever since I work night shifts during the weekdays, that was the only time I appreciate Sundays. If you noticed this is the only day that seems to drag by lazily and it allows you to take all the time you want.
I love how God balances everything in our lives. To some of us, we do not realize it til we reach a certain age. To most, a thankful prayer that this day had come for rest and getting to touch our centers which are family, friends and self.
I will make everyday Sunday, to never forget that this isn't about work all the time, but the importance that life teaches us to be a family to one another...
Saturday, August 22, 2009
fasting and prayers
AS I THREAD THE LAST MINUTE of my legwork for the week, I felt relief over me as weekend unveiled its pretty little sunshine this morning. Eventually, all my stress released like you would a natural gas waiting to come out (tee-hee!) for a very long time. I'd be Donald Duck soaking its cute little butt at the water fountain when Chip'n Dale set him on fire and laughed at him for a long time.
I've been pretty optimistic about the end results of everything that I would welcome even the bad news with open arms. I'm glad I got my anxiety and panic attacks under control for awhile now, otherwise I would have lost every inch of patience I hold in me right now. This is all because of my faith that life will be beautiful for me and for the people I love.
I pray fervently now, for everybody and what they do. I also wanted to do fasting and intense prayer right away, I don't wanna plan it on a long-term basis. I know it will make me feel good about myself and my faith in God. It will be a good 40 days of no meat,no rice and abstaining from the things I enjoy too much like the net,and my little posh things I spend on.
It's time to invest in a good,shiny soul. And my time is now...
I've been pretty optimistic about the end results of everything that I would welcome even the bad news with open arms. I'm glad I got my anxiety and panic attacks under control for awhile now, otherwise I would have lost every inch of patience I hold in me right now. This is all because of my faith that life will be beautiful for me and for the people I love.
I pray fervently now, for everybody and what they do. I also wanted to do fasting and intense prayer right away, I don't wanna plan it on a long-term basis. I know it will make me feel good about myself and my faith in God. It will be a good 40 days of no meat,no rice and abstaining from the things I enjoy too much like the net,and my little posh things I spend on.
It's time to invest in a good,shiny soul. And my time is now...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
drained
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT IS. When I get really drained from thinking and from hurting, I shake so bad, it takes a couple of minutes before my breathing is in its steady pace. The last time I experienced this was working 16 hours straight without even pausing or taking a breather. The whole thing got me scared, my body shook like it would when you would laugh so hard from a funny joke.
This is the most emotional draining week i have ever gone through. 5 ex-boyfriends trying to win your affection and my current boyfriend who had officially turned into a has-been since last night. We were always fighting and he kept provoking me to get mad. But last night, I gave up, just like that. No begging. No pleading. Just a quiet "Yes, I wanna break up with you" and walked away. Of course I cried. I cried because of the release I felt from anger and from being very very weary of all the fights. And just this morning, he IM'ed me for some more war. But I breathed deeply, shut my messenger and erased all the messages he sent over the wee hours of the morning. So, I pulled the ring from my finger and kept it in my jewelry box, everything felt light after that.
I am tired,so tired of trying to be someone's spotlight,emotional punching bag and someone's free time. I just wanna space out. For myself and for the sake of sanity, I don't need them right now, not this time.
This is the most emotional draining week i have ever gone through. 5 ex-boyfriends trying to win your affection and my current boyfriend who had officially turned into a has-been since last night. We were always fighting and he kept provoking me to get mad. But last night, I gave up, just like that. No begging. No pleading. Just a quiet "Yes, I wanna break up with you" and walked away. Of course I cried. I cried because of the release I felt from anger and from being very very weary of all the fights. And just this morning, he IM'ed me for some more war. But I breathed deeply, shut my messenger and erased all the messages he sent over the wee hours of the morning. So, I pulled the ring from my finger and kept it in my jewelry box, everything felt light after that.
I am tired,so tired of trying to be someone's spotlight,emotional punching bag and someone's free time. I just wanna space out. For myself and for the sake of sanity, I don't need them right now, not this time.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
i heart Saturdays
IT'S ALWAYS THE BEST day for everybody to unwind,do their own stuff,and getting in touch with their centers.
Growing up, my Saturdays were filled with household chores in the early morning , then a little snack to reward us with a job well done. Our tiny little heads would crowd the big,round mahogany table as we tiptoed excitedly as Mama handed out our ice cream cones. After finishing up with seconds and even third helpings, we'd run by the farm and catch dragonflies, climb trees and play hide-and-seek til one of us would get hurt or if the househelp would call out to lunch.
Those memories amuse me to this very day. My saturdays now are filled with quiet mornings, tinkering on my laptop with soft music, good food to cook, some errands to finish then hang out and have coffee with friends.
Gone are the days when I'd come home drunk and sleep til Sunday night just to crawl back to bed and waste it through Monday afternoons. It's a waste really. But when you grow up, you realize life is so short.You just want to spend it with people you care for, make memories with them and look back at those kinds of things as time goes...
Growing up, my Saturdays were filled with household chores in the early morning , then a little snack to reward us with a job well done. Our tiny little heads would crowd the big,round mahogany table as we tiptoed excitedly as Mama handed out our ice cream cones. After finishing up with seconds and even third helpings, we'd run by the farm and catch dragonflies, climb trees and play hide-and-seek til one of us would get hurt or if the househelp would call out to lunch.
Those memories amuse me to this very day. My saturdays now are filled with quiet mornings, tinkering on my laptop with soft music, good food to cook, some errands to finish then hang out and have coffee with friends.
Gone are the days when I'd come home drunk and sleep til Sunday night just to crawl back to bed and waste it through Monday afternoons. It's a waste really. But when you grow up, you realize life is so short.You just want to spend it with people you care for, make memories with them and look back at those kinds of things as time goes...
Sunday, August 9, 2009
PATIENCE
This had been a constant practice when I was still studying. Waiting from 5am to 2pm at Saint Louis University so that I could get good scheduled classes for the next semester only to find out that those subjects were dissolved and my enrolment would go below half-time status.
Then there 's that favorite magazine I wanted to buy years ago and I just miscalculated a step when suddenly someone else grabbed it before me. I always remind myself that maybe I should have taken that chance,seizing is good but thinking why it happened and why that good, spontaneous thing wasn't meant for me is even for better. Even if it irritates some of my friends, I take my time to do everything, it sharpens me to think fast. Im proud of myself that I always do,though.
I guess the biggest thing is to be patient where my life is right now. While everybody my age have families and seem to know where they're going, I feel, most of the time I am left out of that cycle. But when impatience hits me, I always hug optimism as my security blanket. I know that our lives are uniquely patterned to where it will lead us to. Maybe mine, in a road less traveled to something I will learn from one day. I'm always patient with what comes, because I know it will always reap great rewards...
Then there 's that favorite magazine I wanted to buy years ago and I just miscalculated a step when suddenly someone else grabbed it before me. I always remind myself that maybe I should have taken that chance,seizing is good but thinking why it happened and why that good, spontaneous thing wasn't meant for me is even for better. Even if it irritates some of my friends, I take my time to do everything, it sharpens me to think fast. Im proud of myself that I always do,though.
I guess the biggest thing is to be patient where my life is right now. While everybody my age have families and seem to know where they're going, I feel, most of the time I am left out of that cycle. But when impatience hits me, I always hug optimism as my security blanket. I know that our lives are uniquely patterned to where it will lead us to. Maybe mine, in a road less traveled to something I will learn from one day. I'm always patient with what comes, because I know it will always reap great rewards...
FORGIVENESS
LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE, this is the one that's hard to master. Admittedly, for those who wronged me but is not asking to be forgiven will really make my temper skyrocket. But eventually, I have learned not to ask for anything. I've accepted that there are people who will realize it soon enough, or not at all.
I've been a sensitive person specially to my boyfriends of the past who have been sweethearts to put up with me. When they cheat, you forgive. When they lie, you forgive. How can I not give them that ounce of acceptance when apologizing? In one way or another, I've done bad things to other people the same way that they did to me.
I'm human to be hurt and pained in so many ways against my principles, beliefs and personal rules but I also believe in starting anew with somebody and starting with a clean slate.
It's just a waste of time to be mad at someone when you can have hold on to happier times. I just closed my eyes for a minute there, thinking of who to forgive and who to ask forgiveness to. I have a list of them, and I will not wait til Christmas for this wonderful moment to happen.
I've been a sensitive person specially to my boyfriends of the past who have been sweethearts to put up with me. When they cheat, you forgive. When they lie, you forgive. How can I not give them that ounce of acceptance when apologizing? In one way or another, I've done bad things to other people the same way that they did to me.
I'm human to be hurt and pained in so many ways against my principles, beliefs and personal rules but I also believe in starting anew with somebody and starting with a clean slate.
It's just a waste of time to be mad at someone when you can have hold on to happier times. I just closed my eyes for a minute there, thinking of who to forgive and who to ask forgiveness to. I have a list of them, and I will not wait til Christmas for this wonderful moment to happen.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
LOVE
MY FIRST ENTRY FOR MY BIRTHDAY MONTH. 12 days from today, I will turn thirty. And everyday, I will post one virtue that I will live by for the rest of my life. 12 virtues that my life will build from hereon.
Today's virtue is LOVE. I have a lot of this. But at one point in my life, I selfishly hid it from my public. From my friends and even my family. If I am hurt, the overflowing love just consumes me til I can give no more. I will never know what I missed not giving out, but it will take a lifetime to makeup for it.
I will never deprive love to anybody who asks for it. my heart will be strong and I keep praying that in time this weakest muscle of my body will be strongest til I breathe my last.
Today's virtue is LOVE. I have a lot of this. But at one point in my life, I selfishly hid it from my public. From my friends and even my family. If I am hurt, the overflowing love just consumes me til I can give no more. I will never know what I missed not giving out, but it will take a lifetime to makeup for it.
I will never deprive love to anybody who asks for it. my heart will be strong and I keep praying that in time this weakest muscle of my body will be strongest til I breathe my last.
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